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  • Michael Barnes Proudly Presents SECRET SATAN '16 and KID'S GAME CHARITY DRIVE!

Michael Barnes Proudly Presents SECRET SATAN '16 and KID'S GAME CHARITY DRIVE!

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Michael Barnes Proudly Presents SECRET SATAN '16 and KID'S GAME CHARITY DRIVE!
There Will Be Games

This time...Satan is Helping Children!

Once again, I invite all registered F:ATties to join us in a celebration of holiday giving...especially the kind of unwanted, tacky kind of gifting that makes your holiday slightly awkward and possibly embarrassing. In past years, we have all had a good time pointing and laughing at "hilarious" gifts that F:ATties have given to each other like the Jessica Hahn issue of Playboy, The Hour of Power board game, Fucking Reef Encounter, an autographed picture of Goofy and...well, there was that infamous "Peanut Butter Drawers" incident a few years back that threatened to put the kibosh on future Secret Satans. But this year we are back once again with a twist.

My family and I are going to be delivering a pile of games to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta ( This is a wonderful pediatric hospital that we have visited on a number of occasions not only when our kids have needed to go but also when we've had friends' kids in for various reasons. Fortunately, we've never had to stay or go in for anything serious, but this is a place where kids are fighting to get better, having to spend a long time there away from home in recovery, or even approaching the ends of their lives. It's a heavy atmosphere levied by hope, and the doctors, nurses and assistants there are really doing great work. So we thought this year it would be nice to take the kids up there some games, some titles the hospital can keep in their play rooms so that maybe the kids there can laugh, smile and enjoy time with their friends just like we do. So if you would like to donate a NEW game for this drive, please send them my way as soon as you can- we're hoping to do this by December 9 so the kids that are there for the holidays can have something fun and new to do. These need to be kid-friendly games that don't require adult coordination or supervision, so I'm thinking anything HABA, Ice Cool, My First Carcassonne, Animals on Board, Ravensburger kid's stuff, Loopin' Chewie, Coconuts, titles like that. They do need to be new need per the hospital's request so unfortunately we can't take anything used- otherwise, we'd be taking some of our stuff there. Just let me know if you want to participate in this in a PM here and let me know what you will be sending so we can avoid too much duplication. If you do not want to  physically send a game, I can take a PayPal donation and purchase a game locally- either something you designate or something I pick on your behalf.  I can also write up a tax receipt if you want to claim it on taxes for 2016.  I'll take pictures and stuff if they let us go in to actually give the games to the kids, but I'm not sure how that will work out. I hope some of you folks will pitch in on this, we've never done an "official" F:AT donation drive other than Operation: Burning Christmas a few years back so here's your chance to make up for all the bad you did this year...or are about to do in Secret Satan.

Now, Secret Satan rules:

- You must submit to COMP-U-TRON by December 2. Send me a PM with your name, address, and whether or not you are willing to ship internationally. I can take non-US folks, but be aware that you may be the only F:ATtie in Slovakia. I will enter the information into COMP-U-TRON, which will spit out a punch card  matching you up with another F:ATtie using a complex series of occult algorithms that analyze various metrics such as propensity to kick a puppy, relative level of brimstone in the bloodstream, number of Iron Maiden albums owned, D&D character level, and favorite flavor of doritos. You will be matched up and provided with the name and address of another F:ATtie (the "target") and that is who you will send your Secret Satan "goods" to.

- You are expected to send at least ONE "legitimate" game. What that means is flexible. But in the past we've had folks sort of just throw in random thrift junk and it was neither funny nor cool. Be mindful that some folks are spending actual money, and if you completely cheap out and don't bother to put any thought into it then you wind up looking like a jerk.

- Other than the one "legitimate" game, it's free for all. Put anything you want in there, but again be mindful that some folks have kids/spouses that may not appreciate the humor of things like Hustler magazine wrapping paper. We've seen all kinds of crazy stuff in the past, and the crazier the better. Some folks send multiple packages. Again, it's up to you.

- You MUST submit photos of the contents of your package(s), box openings, whatever you want. We must have photographic evidence of receipt. NO EXCEPTIONS.

- Packages MUST arrive no later than Christmas Eve. It's lame when someone waits until after Christmas to send something. I get PMs from folks wondering where their package is, it all gets very uncomfortable.

- Someone always gets screwed by someone. We've been pretty reasonable about that in the past- things happen- but if you may not be able to fulfill your Secret Satan responsibilities, then sit this one out, OK? This year we will be publically shaming anyone that fails to provide a package to their target.

- As is tradition, we will have forum threads for discussion, a Secret Satan sock puppet account so you can message anonymously, and of course a thread for results (i.e. photos, which you MUST submit).

This is intended to be FUN and RIDICULOUS- so do not expect to get the game of your dreams in the mail, do not expect to get $X worth of trade value out of what you get. In fact, expect that most of what you will get will wind up at Goodwill or in recycling. Or in a fire. If you DO get something good...then remember that for next year, because you got lucky! Hurt feelings and angriness are NOT allowed, so come at this with a spirit of good times and laughs and we'll all enjoy it. In a very Satanic fashion, of course.

There Will Be Games
Michael Barnes (He/Him)
Senior Board Game Reviews Editor

Sometime in the early 1980s, MichaelBarnes’ parents thought it would be a good idea to buy him a board game to keep him busy with some friends during one of those high-pressure, “free” timeshare vacations. It turned out to be a terrible idea, because the game was TSR’s Dungeon! - and the rest, as they say, is history. Michael has been involved with writing professionally about games since 2002, when he busked for store credit writing for Boulder Games’ newsletter. He has written for a number of international hobby gaming periodicals and popular Web sites. From 2004-2008, he was the co-owner of Atlanta Game Factory, a brick-and-mortar retail store. He is currently the co-founder of and as well as the Editor-in-Chief of Miniature Market’s Review Corner feature. He is married with two childen and when he’s not playing some kind of game he enjoys stockpiling trivial information about music, comics and film.

Articles by Michael

Michael Barnes
Senior Board Game Reviews Editor

Articles by Michael

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ChristopherMD's Avatar
ChristopherMD replied the topic: #238897 21 Nov 2016 17:30
Good idea on the Charity Drive. :)
san il defanso's Avatar
san il defanso replied the topic: #238920 21 Nov 2016 22:15
Always up for this. The picture thread is the annual highlight of F:AT.

Here's the thread from last year: BEHOLD.

And years past!

Edit: Found all the links! Enjoy your perusal!
SuperflyPete's Avatar
SuperflyPete replied the topic: #238930 22 Nov 2016 09:23
I will be sure to include a sock that has soaked up the sweat of my post-run balls...after all, how can I have a believable Stone Age theme if there's no stank from the cup?
Dogmatix's Avatar
Dogmatix replied the topic: #239096 24 Nov 2016 21:23
I was a Conscientious Objector last year as I can't fathom "rules" and "FAT SS" in near proximity, let alone, in direct relation to each other. I had one SS (and a Pretty Princess that one is to this day...) actually sent me 40lbs of ground up Connecticut parking lot (making USPS truly rue their "if it fits, it ships" flat rate policies), which I thought was a complete nutshot and yet dead brilliant. And I'm not sure I can actually top my early accomplishment of sending an incredibly rare--and yet just incomplete enough to be completely unplayable--Japanese mecha minis/wargame to someone who seemed to own every game on earth BUT the one I sent...

But all that said, I'm back in the saddle again--and have been trolling thrift stores for the last few months with just some lucky soul around here in mind....

Based on my personal benchmarks for cruelty described above, I'm going to have to make one of you sorry fuckers actively cry this year just to meet the minimum quality targets.... :-)
Cranberries's Avatar
Cranberries replied the topic: #239175 26 Nov 2016 21:42
What are the deadlines for everything again?
allismom3's Avatar
allismom3 replied the topic: #239204 27 Nov 2016 16:57
December 2 for SS
December 9 for the kid's games charity drive
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #239596 01 Dec 2016 17:44
Some updates here. Yes, tomorrow is the Secret Satan deadline. Who will be the chump that tries to get in late? Will it be YOU?

Game drive is going well, thanks everyone who sent a game or money. Right now, F:AT is giving:

Star Wars Operation
Loopin' Chewie
Unicorn Glitterluck
The Magic Labyrinth
Enchanted Forest
Sleeping Queens
Minecraft Card Game
Super Rhino

And probably another couple of games. So a pretty good haul for the kids here, lots of good games! If you'd like to contribute, PM me with what you want to send or if you want to PayPal me and I'll pick up something locally on your behalf. Some of the games above are ones I've bought with money donations, so that works out pretty good and there's no shipping cost. I'd really like to get a large dex game in there- maybe Klask or something like that.
Cranberries's Avatar
Cranberries replied the topic: #239704 03 Dec 2016 00:30
daveroswell's Avatar
daveroswell replied the topic: #239791 04 Dec 2016 20:41
No. I will not be the fool who tries to get in late to Secret Satan. You have all drank the fizzy lifting drinks, so you get NOTHING! GOOD DAY to you sir! I said good day!

The charity drive sounds cool...just know that I have already given to kids this Christmas. I hope a wide eyed boy (or girl) really digs the components of Chaostle.
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #239795 04 Dec 2016 21:58
Dave, you have until tomorrow to put your name into Comp-U-Tron. We will have results by tomorrow evening.
Rliyen's Avatar
Rliyen replied the topic: #239927 06 Dec 2016 09:31
Is the Compu Tron on the fritz again? Have not received a target.
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #239972 06 Dec 2016 17:46
Comp-U-Tron is degfragging its internal HDD. Many years of running Secret Satan as well a host of online gambling sites has made it run slow so it is undergoing maintenance.

We should have results this evening.

I also want to announce that there is one F:ATtie that donated an incredible $100 to the kid's game drive. This is going to buy a bunch of great stuff for the game drop, including a game designed by the donor himself. I'm not sure if he wants his identity to be public, but I will say it is not Shellhead's Vampire game.
Cranberries's Avatar
Cranberries replied the topic: #240004 06 Dec 2016 23:23
Cranberries's Avatar
Cranberries replied the topic: #240038 07 Dec 2016 11:47
The spoiler is that there is no spoiler.
Cranberries's Avatar
Cranberries replied the topic: #240094 07 Dec 2016 20:35
The Waste Land Related Poem Content Details
I. The Burial of the Dead

I sat upon the shore
Fishing, with the arid plain behind me
Shall I at least set my lands in order?
London Bridge is falling down falling down falling down
Poi s’ascose nel foco che gli affina
Quando fiam uti chelidon—O swallow swallow
Le Prince d’Aquitaine à la tour abolie
These fragments I have shored against my ruins
Why then Ile fit you. Hieronymo’s mad againe.
Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.
Shantih shantih shantih
Cranberries's Avatar
Cranberries replied the topic: #240099 07 Dec 2016 21:46
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Related Poem Content Details


I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #240105 07 Dec 2016 23:05
Comp-U-Tron is expected to spit out some punch cards tomorrow. Stand by.
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #240154 08 Dec 2016 17:27
Comp-U-Tron results have gone out. This year I input a couple of new data points included recent voting records in Jeff White's movie threads, thumb length, average time it takes to consume a Big Gulp and sock preference (crew/dress/sport/tube). It produced some hilarious results that you may or may not agree with, We do have one loose end so I can take on another if someone wants to "late bird" in.

Turnout was better this year than the last two years so I suppose we have Made Secret Satan Great Again.

Gentle reminders- get this stuff in the mail before Christmas. It's lame when it's like January 6th and somebody gets their package. Also remember that you need to send at least ONE ACTUAL GAME that isn't some kind of jank ass thrift store shit.

And I am still accepting donations for the F:AT Cares Games 4 Kidz Drop Pod. Paypal is This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or you can send something that you want to give. It does, per Childern's Healthcare of Atlanta donation rules, need to be something sealed. So far we have a BIG pile, I'm looking at getting this coordinated with CHOA sometime for the week of the 19th so there's time.
Rliyen's Avatar
Rliyen replied the topic: #240159 08 Dec 2016 19:20
I haven't gotten a PM, Michael. What's up?
Rliyen's Avatar
Rliyen replied the topic: #240160 08 Dec 2016 19:22
Scratch that. Notification isn't working, but got it.
SecretSantana's Avatar
SecretSantana replied the topic: #240219 09 Dec 2016 10:11
Update your wishlists and collections, losers, or I'll send you Agricola.
SecretSantana's Avatar
SecretSantana replied the topic: #240220 09 Dec 2016 10:11
And that includes expansions.
Secret Satan's Avatar
Secret Satan replied the topic: #240235 09 Dec 2016 11:43
This year the comp-u-matic has delivered me the most delicious target yet. A Utah Mormon.

I'm considering every possible option to corrupt and defile this precious snowflake. Booze, condoms, cigarettes, a bong, and a copy of the most graphic porno mag of all time are def on the naughty list.

This will be awe-inspiring
Secret Satan's Avatar
Secret Satan replied the topic: #240236 09 Dec 2016 11:44

SecretSantana wrote: Update your wishlists and collections, losers, or I'll send you Agricola.

You are an imposter. If you were the real deal it would be Atlanteon with a side of Munchkin.
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #240243 09 Dec 2016 11:58