Blood Rage Review
Egg Shen     
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Wait a minute.  Where are all the Vikings with their rage boners and tickets to Valhalla?

So last time I discussed with you some tips for duping your friends into coming over for a trashy movie night.  This time I dive into a potential pile of crap that might be perfect for that EXACT situation.  Blood Rage is a slasher film that hails from the 1980s, which is essentially the golden age of the subgenre.  Most film fans never swim past genre staples: Freddy, Jason, Mikey and Chucky.  For those of you brave (dumb?) enough to get naked and attempt a belly flop in the deep end, be prepared for some REAL obscene nonsense.

This dubious slasher film starts off with a BUNCH of teenagers and exactly one pair of adults going to a drive-in theatre to bang uglies.  Literally everyone is there for sex.  Not a single person gives a damn about whatever movie is showing.  The mood is set with some awesome music, scenes of couples making out, and one groovy badass that purchases a condom from Ted Raimi in the bathroom.  Our sole pair of adults also decide to get “hot and heavy”. Roughly sixty seconds later, the mom’s meddlesome twins get out of the station wagon, steal a hatchet and slash out the face of the condom buying yuppie that is mid coitus.  Then the twin, who did the killing, wipes the blood on his brother and pins the crime on him.  If what I just described sounded completely dumb, yet at the same time both ludicrous and sort of awesome…then Blood Rage NEEDS to be on your radar. 

The film flashes forward ten years where the brother who was innocent breaks out of a mental institution and heads home for Thanksgiving.  He’s finally come out of a catatonic state and realizes his brother was an asshole and decides to, um, do something about it that is never really made clear.  Plot is not one of Blood Rage’s strong suits.

It shouldn't come as a surprise but this film is a MESS!  However, it’s the best kind of cinematic garbage to stumble upon.  You can tell the filmmakers were really trying to make something horrifying and sick, but completely whiffed.  Character development is nonexistent.  I’ve seen more acting range in an animatronic Halloween lawn decorations. Frankly, most of your time watching the film will be spent shaking your head in disbelief at absolute nonsense on the screen.

Luckily, the movie has three magical elements that make up for ANY of its numerous faults.  First, there is a terrific bass heavy synth soundtrack that you want to crank up.  Next we have the gratuitous death scenes.  For a low budget flick, the filmmakers went all John Hammond and “spared no expense” when it game to the blood, guts n’ grue.  The murders are all done with practical effects and look nice and icky.  Brains are cut in half, throats are slashed, and people are sliced in two.  It’s like going to your favorite sandwich shop and ordering “The Works”. 

The final and most important bright spot is the performance of the “twins”, Terry and Todd.  They’re both played by the same actor and he is never not going balls out crazy in his performance.  I don’t think he can look normal just standing in a scene.  When he is Terry (the evil twin) he is an over confident, pompous, clown.  He’s always grinning and joking around.  Even when he is cutting people to bits!  On the flipside when he is Todd (the good twin) he is stoic with his eyes bugging out of his head.  It’s like the actor is literally incapable a performance that isn’t a “ten” on the crazy scale.

I think you’ll know by now if this is the type of film you want to check out or not.  If you’re into high falutin, award winning films, then you’ll want to stay WAY the hell away from BLOOD RAGE!!!!  If you’re some sick lunatic like me that relishes finding these types of crappy gems then consider this “must watch” viewing.  It’s the kind of movie where a person hides a baby under the sink while being chased by a blade wielding madman.  It’s the kind of movie where the killer says, “It’s not cranberry sauce!” while looking at a bloody weapon (cause you know, Thanksgiving).  It’s the kind of movie where the “twins” can’t be filmed in the same scene and if they are the director just tosses a blonde wig on a key grip with instructions not to turn around.  Blood rage, it’s my kind of crap.   

Blood Rage Review There Will Be Games
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