The Green Inferno - Barney's Incorrect Five Second Reviews

The Green Inferno - Barney's Incorrect Five Second Reviews Hot

Black Barney     
 
2.3
4124   0

Well that was pretty bad. The trailers and especially the banned red band trailer had scared me so much that I had no choice but to see this movie and get it over with. My imagination was worsening the images and situation so much that I was having trouble falling asleep. So I had to confront these demons and see the movie, and I'm glad I did since the overall execution of everything was really lacking and wasn't nearly as scary as I imagined it would be.

For those that don't know, this is Eli Roth's homage to the infamous Cannibal Holocaust movie decades ago. It's Roth doing what he does best (or worst), combining torture pr0n with even more horrifying acting. I mean, the male leading activist alone... if I'm going to have nightmares, it will be from his performance. Somone should feed that guy to cannibals for real.

What the movie does do well is mess with your head in the amount of anticipation and stress from this situation that these activists have found themselves in. Once things resolve, it's actually quite disappointing but having to do that slow climb up the big roller coaster was fun and scary, so there's that.

Also, I don't think Roth knows how to end movies. His endings are almost always absolutely terrible and this is no exception. I want to say stay during the credits for even more contrite epilogue, but no, don't stay.

What was cool for me was that going into this movie, i was actually worried that I was going to make sick in the movie. Like people did during the Exorcist or Alien back in the day. I was honestly worried about this, but no, it wasn't even close. I drank my coffee slowly trying to fight the urge to check my e-mail a couple times. In fact the most gruesome scene is actually meant as comic relief and looks like Roth's audition reel for landing a zombie movie. He's for sure doing a Romero shout out during that scene. The difference....I wasn't scared AT ALL. Nor was I laughing.

My bloodlust got me to see this movie and now my brain is making fun of me for thinking I'd be scared or, at the very least, entertained. It's not an awful movie or anything, it's just not good at all.

You can skip it, you're honestly not missing anything. The only people that should see it are those that were haunted, like me, from the trailers and need to resolve that.

Also, I'm totally gaga over this Magda Apanowicz actress who plays this super hot promiscuous lesbian. Thank goodness for her scenes.

Heart rating: 2 stars

Brain rating: 2.5 stars

The Green Inferno - Barney's Incorrect Five Second Reviews There Will Be Games

Editor rating

(Updated: May 23, 2018)
Black Barney
Overall rating 
 
2.3
Heart 
 
2.0
Brain 
 
2.5

Summary

Movie Title
The Green Inferno

Well that was pretty bad. The trailers and especially the banned red band trailer had scared me so much that I had no choice but to see this movie and get it over with. My imagination was worsening the images and situation so much that I was having trouble falling asleep. So I had to confront these demons and see the movie, and I'm glad I did since the overall execution of everything was really lacking and wasn't nearly as scary as I imagined it would be.

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Posted: 28 Sep 2015 19:56 by Mr. White #211530
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I don't understand the rating system here. It sounds like you don't recommend this flick at all, yet it's got two stars. Is this 2.5 out of 10 then? 2.5 out of 5 sounds like it's almost a recommendation.

Regardless, this movie sounds like it's for dumb people.
Posted: 29 Sep 2015 06:02 by Black Barney #211549
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Yeah, it's out of five. The movie isn't terrible, it's just not good either. There were elements I liked.

I don't think you should ever read 2 or 2.5 stars as a recommendation. 3 is a pass and only barely. I saw Green Inferno for free and even if you had the opportunity to see it for free, I don’t think you should.

For movies that get 1star ratings, it would have to be physically painful to watch, like the Transformers sequels

And yeah it's for dumb people. Before the movie I heard a guy talking to a girl about it in a food court and he absolutely loved it but he sounded super dumb and I started to get worried...
Posted: 29 Sep 2015 13:43 by boothwah #211605
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My imagination was worsening the images and situation so much that I was having trouble falling asleep. So I had to confront these demons and see the movie


Posted: 29 Sep 2015 20:05 by Josh Look #211628
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Black Barney wrote:
For movies that get 1star ratings, it would have to be physically painful to watch, like the Transformers sequels

This of course begs the question: What about the first Transformers movie?

No need to feel ashamed, I actually enjoy the the first one despite how dumb it is (FWIW, 3 as well)
Posted: 29 Sep 2015 20:45 by Michael Barnes #211630
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This movie makes me sad and angry. I've not seen it, probably never will.

This is, to me, almost like the same feeling I had when I walked into a Hot Topic for the first time and saw that they had a GG Allin T-shirt. In a suburban mall.

Before that moment, GG Allin was very fringe- most definitely not appropriate for the mainstream. I was never much of a fan, but I respected that he was something very transgressive and counter to pretty much everything that most normal, everyday folks expected from entertainment. More than that, I respected that if you wanted to get a GG Allin record or t-shirt, you really kind of had to work for it by finding it in an independent record shop, ordering it from some place in Maximum Rock n' Roll or going to a show.

This movie is like that, but its more underground counterpoint is of course Cannibal Holocaust. It's NOT for multiplex audiences. It isn't intended for the average filmgoer, and honestly the average filmgoer SHOULDN'T be interested in it. But here it is, in theaters, just like that GG Allin shirt at Hot Topic.

But you know, there is NO WAY that this film is as shocking, transgressive or hostile to the audience as Cannibal Holocaust is...because this is fakery, mimicry, idiotic fanboy homage. Eli Roth trying to show everybody how much he likes the Italian cannibal genre. Good job, buddy!

The fact that there's comedy in this- by the reviews I've read, quite a lot- completely disarms the whole thing. There is absolutely NOTHING FUNNY in Cannibal Holocaust. So it's almost like Roth chickened out.

But whatever, I'm sure he'll do a remake of Nekromantik or something next.
Posted: 30 Sep 2015 06:00 by Black Barney #211631
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Josh, I'd give the first movie three stars. It's passable, barely. When Optimus transforms that first time it actually felt epic so there was success in the execution there. Also Megan Fox. I thought that super secret government group was pretty funny too. I found the humour to be really lame too.

Which segways into barnes comment about how misplaced the humour is in green Inferno. During the scariest sequence where your terror should be at maximum, there is actually a bridesmaids toilet humour joke, right out of dumb and dumber. And some pothead humour of cannibals high getting the munchies. It's beyond stupid.

I slept like a baby that night and I don’t think people slept well after Cannibal Holocaust