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  • Staff Blogs
  • How Wiz-War Violated the "No Shit Talking First Game" Rule

How Wiz-War Violated the "No Shit Talking First Game" Rule

KB Updated
There Will Be Games


So my brother and I bust out Wiz-War today over lunch--yeah, the copy so graciously sent to me by MR. MOTO (trader of the highest calibre) as a result of our FIRST EVER SLAM BANGIN' F:AT MATH TRADE.  We seriously need to do another one o' dem.


We have an unwritten rule, my brother and I, and it is thus:  "First games don't count."  Hey, we like to talk shit just like anybody else...but talking shit, or getting upset, over the first game of anything is fairly retarded.  What, am I going to talk trash because I drew the best card in the deck in our very first game during which neither of us even knew the damned thing existed?  "HELLO, E-TARD, I BANISH THEE WITH MY TOPDECK SKILLZ."



Seriously, there is a ROCK card
in this game.  It should read "YOU WIN THE

I have to admit that I took a little effort to pimp my sixth edition game.  Not that it was in bad shape, but saying the bits for Wiz-War are a bit naff is sort of like saying Lindsay Lohan is in "slightly worse shape than she was a few years ago."  Seriously, the cards are on business card stock, uncoated.  You LOOK at these things cock-eyed and they're going to fucking twist sideways and crumple into a little ball.

So I sleeved 'em with other CCG cards as backs.  I added a few minis for the wizards.  And a 20-sider for life totals.  VINTAGE MAGIC LIFE-TRACKING TECHNOLOGY~!



"Write your life total on a piece of paper" my ass.
That shit is for the Amish.


Anyway...where was I?

Oh yeah, so we've finished wolfing down our lunches and I've set everything up, including the GIANT SLEEVED BUSINESS CARD TOWER OF DOOM that threatens to topple over and coat the board in random CCG goodness.  And off we go.

The first few moves are reflective of a gentler time in the realm of Wiz-War.  (Jeremy asks me, "What is this game about?  Why are they fighting?"  I bust out the wizened game sage voice.  "Because they are Wizards...and they are at War.")  He dunks one of my treasures and I do the same, a little Tit for Tat Treasure Tete-e-Tete, if you weeeeeeeeeeeeell.  Things are positively genteel.  Mostly, this is due to the "First Game" rule.  However, I now realize it was because we hadn't drawn into the good shit yet.

I'm the first to score, pulling the "DEAL TEN DAMAGE" card.  He's able to make sure I share half the pain.  I grab it again with a re-use spell, thinking of crispier days for my wizard archnemesis.

That's when he pisses me off.

First of all, he shuts down my spells for like 6 turns.  Yeah, that seems fair.  So I dutifully go and retrieve my dunked treasure, knowing I can do jack all in the meantime.  I'm almost back to my base when he barrels around a corner and immobilizes me for several turns.  So now I'm paralyzed, AND I can't cast spells.  Beautiful.

Just as I'm brimming with rage--and tossing out statements that are questioning his sexual preferences, his heritage, and other vulgar bon mots, he decides to make me his "Buddy" on the turn I'm to thaw out from all the shit he's tossed on me.




I'm trying to figure this out.  I've been violated anally (figuratively speaking) by having my spells stripped away, been paralyzed on the spot, and NOW I think this guy is my freaking busom buddy.  I glare.  I swear.  For a friend, I say some rather untoward things to him.

I see a solution, though:  I take my treasure that I've been carrying, walk it into a dead end, and put a wall in front of it.  Oh, and the other side of the dead end was solid stone, so it was VERY tough to get into.

Now it's HIS turn to cast doubtful aspirations on my heritage, and what sort of genetalia I may or may not possess.  But he's still not mad enough to attack me, breaking his "BUDDY" spell.  He's going to figure out a way around this.

Then I walk through a wall, get near him, and blow the wall out on both of us.  Giggling like a school girl, I play a number card and speed off, back toward my sector.  He's taken the bait, and I move toward a tactical position to wait for him.

The energy is cracklin' off his fingertips as he rounds the corner, but SURPRISE!  Not only does he find me shrunk 50% (no genitals jokes, please) but it don't matter none because I reflect his spell right back at him.  Now he's angry, singed, his hopes of winning are fading.  'Cause I don't see him as a BUDDY anymore.  This man, this wizard, he gon' die.

So I'm standing there, thinking, thinking...what would be the ultimate revenge?  How best to deal with this impudent wizard snot standing in front of me, charred face from his own lightning spell?  I had the 10-point blast in my hand, along with the doubler card.  He was down to like 7, I think.  This would more than do it.

But I had other plans.

"BEGONE WIF YA'S~!" I exclaimed, and teleported him into the little mini closet I'd fashioned for my treasure earlier.

Gritting his teeth, he conceded the battle as my wizard meandered toward his other treasure to seal the deal.  The only way this could be more delicious is if I could have filled the little mini-man-made closet with water.  Or fire.  Or snot.

Wiz-War and I...I think we're going to be good friends.

Magic: The Gathering and Dungeon guys owe this game royalties or something.  Seriously.



And so, this is the tale of how, for the first time in ages, the "FIRST GAME SHIT TALKING" rule was violated.  Deliciously.


There Will Be Games
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