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It's that time of the year!
When the Three Wise Men were called to visit the baby Jesus in Bethlehem, they had to scramble to figure out what to do about a present. They had somehow missed the fact that the baby Jesus was born on Christmas day, so they had to stop at a 24 hour pharmacy on the way to pick up some random, obligatory gifts. One chose frankenscence and another myrrh, things that no baby would ever want. The other picked out "gold" which is the Bible's symbolic way of referring to a "gift card". Which was probably the smartest option, but then Joseph blew it on a case of Miller tall boys the morning of December 26th. So why are we talking about the Christmas story in our annual Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan post? Because without the devil, there would be no Christmas. Think about it. Who is REALLY the reason for the season?
Regardless of where you fall on the holiday spectrum, they are coming and like those Three Wise Men, you will be called to give people junk they do not want in exchange for junk that you do not want. And Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2015 may be the most purest, unadulterated way for you to celebrate Christmas as it was intended. Of course, you must also enter into a pact with Secret Satan and submit your name and address to a mysterious computer known as Comp-U-Tron, but the end result is that you will get to send out a box of rubbish and get a box of rubbish in return. Or maybe not- perhaps your Secret Satan will choose to be "nice" (blech) and give you something really good. It happens. That's the Magic of Christmas.*
Do you dare back this Kickslaughter? Here is what you need to do:
1) Do not be a whiny, entitled crybaby. If you match this description, please do not participate. Go give your wishlist to Radho or whoever over at BGG and maybe they will send you something nice. BORING.
2) Be prepared to receive things like an autographed photo of Goofy, a 1986 Playboy with Jessica Hahn on it, or other strange and embarrassing items. Also be prepared to send similar items, but you also must send at least ONE COMPLETE BOARD GAME and that does not include some random trivia game you picked up at the thrift store.
3) Be creative and funny. Not dumb and lazy.
4) Send me your name and address by NOVEMBER 23rd (next Monday). Also indicate whether you are a hardline nationalist that will not deign to ship a package to a second or third world overseas country or if you are soft-headed new age hippie that thinks we are all one people and you are willing to spend more money to send a package to a far off land not in your home country.
5) Comp-U-Tron will match you up with another F:ATtie using a series of complex biorhythmic algorithms, Satanic incantations and d6 rolls. You will receive results no later than November 24th.
6) Send your package so that your target receives it no later than December 23rd.
7) DO NOT BE A JERK and either send genuinely terrible, useless or potentially harmful stuff (recall the "peanut butter pants" incident which fits all three descriptors). And if you do not send your target something, we will call you out and humiliate you. This is a new policy for 2015. In the past, we handled it behind the scenes. But now, if your target does not have a package by December 23rd, inquiries will be made.
8) YOU ARE REQUIRED TO POST PHOTO OR VIDEO EVIDENCE OF YOUR PACKAGE. No exceptions. This should be done as soon as you can so that we can all point and laugh before everyone goes away for the holidays.
9) There will be a Secret Satan F:AT sock puppet account. You may use it to communicate with your target or to post whatever you want. There will also be an official Michael Barnes Proudly Presents F:AT Secret Satan 2015 forum post, which should be opening today.
10) HAVE FUN. If you fail to have fun doing this, you are doing it wrong. You are also doing it wrong if you are expecting to get really great games out of this in exchange or sending someone a box full of empty punchboards and a moldy copy of The General.
So get to gettin' and get to it. HAIL!
*Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2015 does not officially support or condone the Magic of Christmas. Neither Michael Barnes nor the staff of F:AT are liable, responsible or required to be politely apologetic if you do not experience the Magic of Christmas during Michael Barnes Proudly Presents F:AT Secret Satan 2015.
