Yuletrash 2008

So it's the Monday before Christmas and I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that in all likelihood this column is going to attract a whole lot less readers than is usual. In light of this I thought it sensible to do something fast and furious and - for those of you who are acutally reading - appropriate for the run-up to Yule. No matter if it's a bit crappy, as these sorts of things tend to be, as hardly anoyone is going to be reading it, OK?

OK?

Well, alright then, I'm actually doing things this way because I'm lazy. So sue me. But here are my top tips for your entertainment picks for a truly Ameritrash Christmas.

First up you could try actually running with some traditional Christmas traditions instead of the gentrified, Christianized version that we got sold in Victorian times off the back of the Church and Charles Dickens and which has continued to prove popular up in to the present day. The Midwinter holiday has its roots in the Celtic festival of Yule and the Roman festival of Saturnalia, both of which were designed to see out the shortening days of the old year and welcome the lengthening days of the new and both of which features feats of conspicuous consumption and danger which should gladden the hearts of every Ameritrash fan. Dispense with the chocolate Yule Log and go for the real deal instead - go out into the woods on Christmas eve, get yourself a likely tree, drag it home to your back yard and try and keep the bugger burning for twelve days straight. If arson isn't enough for you, then do some traditional Wassailing - pop round to all your neighbours and demand they give you strong alcoholic drinks on threat of physical violence. You may find that they find the experience more palatable if you sing some wassailing songs (of which "we wish you a merry Christmas" is a modern example), although this depends largely on how good you are at singing, or how seriously you're threatening the violence.

Watching a lot of TV has, in recent years, become a Christmas tradition all of its own. Unfortunately you're bound to be assailed by any number of crappy "family friendly" films through the Christmas season as a sop to all those hippie parents who'll let their snot-nosed, bratty offspring stay up late as a "special treat" instead of sending them to bed early to leave the adults more time to get drunk. So you'd better rent or record some films to watch. The usual message of seasonal goodwill isn't terribly compatible with the year-round Ameritrash message of nuke-thy-neighbour but if you search hard you can find some appropriate material. For starters, why not go with one of the many adaptations of A Christmas Carol? It has a snarlingly aggressive lead character and powerful connections with the undead and the nether dimensions, thanks to all those ghosts and an appearance by Death himself. And if you find the goody-goody ending too much to stomach you can simply switch it off right after the graveyard scene. The black-and-white version starring Alistair Sim is generally considered definitive, but for something more up-to-date and with considerably higher Ameritrash credentials try Bill Murray in Scrooged. Cutting the ends off of traditional Christmas family favourites actually turns out to be an excellent way of upping the trash quotient. You can even do it with It's a Wonderful Life - walk out of the room just as George Bailey is about to jump off the bridge and you've got a heart-warming tale of greed and tyranny to enjoy. A few years ago the BBC made some spanking TV versions of MR James ' Christmas ghosts stories, genuinely creepy, haunting stuff instead of the gore-fests that pass as modern horror. I Don't think they're being repeated this year but probably worth tracking down on a torrent or something if you get the chance. Speaking of the BBC, we in the UK are going to get a Dr. Who Christmas special to add to our Yuletide viewing pleasure and it's one of the few times of year when I can put my feet up, relax, and feel that just for once we're getting to see some decent TV before you bloody Yanks get it.

Music is often something of a bone of contention over the festive season. For some reason it suddenly becomes acceptable to drag out and play any number of hideous, awful pop and easy listening "Christmas special" songs which are, implausible as this sounds, actually worse than the default back catalogues of most purveyors of pop and easy listening. This grated with me for decades until one year I got motivated to have a good old search and try and root out some proper Christmas songs. I've put them all on to one CD which only ever gets pulled out at this time of year and is thus prevented from becoming a dreadful bore due to over exposure. There'll be a couple of songs on it you recognise - almost inevitably Fairytale of New York by the Pogues puts in an appearance, as does Ring out Solstice Bells by Jethro Tull. But some of the other stuff is both rather more obscure and rather more Ameritrash. Try the heavy, grungy and utterly miserable Christmas by little-known band Fuzzy. Or Plankeye's power-chord based rendition of Away in a Manger. If your tastes run more to the electronic side of things then you could do a whole lot worse that I Was Born on Christmas Day by St. Etienne, even though none of them actually were. Mr. Barnes would no doubt appreciate the inclusion of The Falls' version of Hark the Herald Angels Sing. And as a folk fan myself I can't resist pointing you toward the towering, baroque, choral overtones of Gaudete by Steeleye Span, a suitable background track to any game of medieval violence.

So finally we come to games. One of the things I love about Christmas is that it's one of the few times of the year when my family actually want to play games, although in reality what they usually want to play is Scrabble rather than Twilight Imperium 3 which is a distinct downer. So really, we're looking at party games here: we want simple rules, short and entertaining game play and a quick play time. The ultimate Ameritrash party game is of course Ca$h & Gun$ but unless your family is tolerant and open minded enough to be happy shouting "shut the fuck up, you motherfucking fucker!" at each other then it's possibly not the best choice. My favourite party game is, I must confess, Balderdash which might not be very AT but redeems itself by being wet-yourself funny. However probably the best AT moment I ever had playing a party game was with Taboo. The clue giver went over to the guesser, grabbed him by the lapels, hauled him out of his seat and screamed "You're going home in a fucking ..." right into his face. Everyone else fell about laughing and amazingly the guesser failed to guess the taboo word. If you absolutely can't stomach party games then thankfully AT fans who don't mind getting their hands dirty can call upon a tried-and-trusted mass market classic in the form of the Risk franchise. It may not be the best, but it's very far from being bad especially in its latest incarnation with the plastic arrows or in the futuristic form of Risk: 2210. And if you've got Black Ops for extra wow factor, then that's just doozy (Hasbro? I'm still waiting for my copy!). Most of your guests will no doubt have played it before and might well feel a certain childhood nostalgia prodding them into giving at another try. Avoid the Lord of the Rings license in this franchise though: it's about the worst "proper" game ever invented . Best of all, by re-introducing Risk to your family instead of a so-called "gateway game" you'll be indirectly tugging at the neck-beards of untold numbers of Eurosnoots!

That's about all I can come up with for this week. The rest is up to you, my lone reader - chime in and let everyone know what your suggestions are for a very Ameritrash Christmas.