Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG’s Secret Satan 2018

Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG’s Secret Satan 2018

Michael Barnes     
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Toad Hell

Our most blasphemous and transgressive holiday tradition returns in its 8th year.

Yes, it’s that time of year once again. And once again TWBG members in good or at least semi-decent standing are summoned to participate in a show of holiday badwill. It’s time for Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG Secret Satan 2018!

This is our annual blind gift exchange. No wish lists allowed- you are at the mercy of strangers here. Will it be a Keyforge display box? Or will it be a moldy Spellfire collection? The fear and apprehension are all part of the fun, as is using your fellow TWBG member as a dumping ground for whatver evil, vile nonsense you can muster.  And it all goes down as COMP-U-TRON, a massive computer brain programmed Lucifer himself, sits in silent judgment of humanity.

This is not an exchange for the weak, timid, easily offended, cowardly, or shy. So if you feel that getting a box of Spellfire cards when you sent out a copy of Root will upset you, maybe try the Secret SANTA exchange on the other leading board game site, which is I might add, not proudly presented by Michael Barnes.

Now, Secret Satan rules:

- Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG Secret Satan 2018 participants MUST be standing, avatared members with multiple posts. We certainly welcome newcomers to join in the debauchery, but we ask that you be a contributing member.

- This is an INCLUSIVE event open to all races, genders, religions, and sexualities. We are all one in the eyes of the Beast. 

- You must submit to COMP-U-TRON by November 30. Send me a PM here at TWBG with your name, address, and whether or not you are willing to ship internationally. I can take non-US folks, but be aware that you may be the only F:ATtie in Slovakia. I will enter the information into COMP-U-TRON, which will spit out a punch card matching you up with another F:ATtie using a complex series of occult algorithms that analyze various metrics such as propensity to kick a puppy, relative level of brimstone in the bloodstream, number of Iron Maiden albums owned, D&D character level, and favorite flavor of doritos. You will be matched up and provided with the name and address of another F:ATtie (the "target") and that is who you will send your Secret Satan "goods" to.

- You are expected to send at least ONE "legitimate" game. What that means is flexible. But in the past we've had folks sort of just throw in random thrift junk and it was neither funny nor cool. Be mindful that some folks are spending actual money, and if you completely cheap out and don't bother to put any thought into it then you wind up looking like a jerk.

- Other than the one "legitimate" game, it's free for all. Put anything you want in there, but again be mindful that some folks have kids/spouses/partners that may not appreciate the humor of things like Hustler magazine wrapping paper. We've seen all kinds of crazy stuff in the past, and the crazier the better. Some folks send multiple packages. Again, it's up to you. But be aware that if you send anything racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise indicative of intolerance, you are done with Secret Satan for life. We have never had an issue with this in the past, and I hope that continues to be the case.

- You MUST submit photos of the contents of your package(s), box openings, whatever you want to put Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2018 thread in out forums. We must have photographic evidence of receipt. NO EXCEPTIONS.

- Packages MUST arrive no later than Christmas Eve. It's lame when someone waits until after Christmas to send something. I get PMs from folks wondering where their package is, it all gets very uncomfortable.

- Someone always gets screwed by someone. We've been pretty reasonable about that in the past- things happen- but if you may not be able to fulfill your Secret Satan responsibilities, then sit this one out, OK? This year we will be publically shaming anyone that fails to provide a package to their target.

- As is tradition, we will have forum threads for discussion, a Secret Satan sock puppet account so you can message anonymously, and of course a thread for results (i.e. photos, which you MUST submit).

- COMP-U-TRON will begin delivering matching results on DECEMBER 3.

This is intended to be FUN and RIDICULOUS- so do not expect to get the game of your dreams in the mail, do not expect to get $X worth of trade value out of what you get. In fact, expect that most of what you will get will wind up at Goodwill or in recycling. Or in a fire. If you DO get something good...then remember that for next year, because you got lucky! Hurt feelings and angriness are NOT allowed, so come at this with a spirit of good times and laughs and we'll all enjoy it. In a very Satanic fashion, of course.

Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG’s Secret Satan 2018 There Will Be Games

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Sometime in the early 1980s, MichaelBarnes’ parents thought it would be a good idea to buy him a board game to keep him busy with some friends during one of those high-pressure, “free” timeshare vacations. It turned out to be a terrible idea, because the game was TSR’s Dungeon! - and the rest, as they say, is history. Michael has been involved with writing professionally about games since 2002, when he busked for store credit writing for Boulder Games’ newsletter. He has written for a number of international hobby gaming periodicals and popular Web sites. From 2004-2008, he was the co-owner of Atlanta Game Factory, a brick-and-mortar retail store. He is currently the co-founder of FortressAT.com and Nohighscores.com as well as the Editor-in-Chief of Miniature Market’s Review Corner feature. He is married with two childen and when he’s not playing some kind of game he enjoys stockpiling trivial information about music, comics and film. 

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Posted: 20 Nov 2018 07:24 by drewcula #286521
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Posted: 20 Nov 2018 07:34 by san il defanso #286525
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This is the best TWBG tradition, and I strongly encourage people to participate. Unfortunately because I'm now living overseas, I will have to bow out this year. I already slashed my collection and shipping is a beast from Manila. There's no guarantee it'll even arrive, so it's a pass for me this year.

Enjoy fellow abyssal denizens.
Posted: 20 Nov 2018 09:03 by jeb #286543
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Posted: 20 Nov 2018 13:42 by Space Ghost #286567
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I'm definitely in again -- one of my favorite things of the year.
Posted: 20 Nov 2018 14:37 by rocketkiwi #286570
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I took a year off, but I'm back in.
Posted: 20 Nov 2018 14:42 by barrowdown #286571
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I'm in!
Posted: 20 Nov 2018 14:47 by allismom3 #286572
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I'm down again.
Posted: 20 Nov 2018 22:18 by GorillaGrody #286591
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I’m in. This’ll be my first year, so I’ll brace myself.
Posted: 21 Nov 2018 07:13 by the_jake_1973 #286605
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I'm looking forward to another year.
Posted: 21 Nov 2018 10:00 by SebastianBludd #286621
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How long have we been doing this, anyway? I just realized that this will be my eighth SS but I may have missed the first year or two.
Posted: 21 Nov 2018 10:03 by Michael Barnes #286622
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This is the 8th by my reckoning.
Posted: 24 Nov 2018 10:12 by Rliyen #286756
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Yes, I know. I'm hardly around anymore (work's been hella busy this year). However, I never forget my favorite time of year.


So, anybody up for it this year? I've got some pain in boardgame form that needs to be dispensed.
Posted: 24 Nov 2018 10:16 by Josh Look #286757
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Posted: 24 Nov 2018 12:42 by Rliyen #286760
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Sign me up. Sorry about the double post.
Posted: 24 Nov 2018 16:05 by WadeMonnig #286761
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Sign me up. Does it require a blood sacrifice? Reminds me of a song my buddy used to sing when referring to Death Metal. "Killyourmother,rapeyourfather,cutoffyourd*ck and give it to Sssssaaaannntaaaaaa.
Posted: 25 Nov 2018 02:49 by Jur #286779
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All Signed Up, and ready to go
Posted: 25 Nov 2018 07:50 by Da Bid Dabid #286783
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*Places quarters on the edge of the screen*

Don't think the second year could be as great as the first but only one way to find out.
Posted: 29 Nov 2018 16:56 by WadeMonnig #287119
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Request that Satan include the forum user name of the person assigned so we can get the proper punishment for the sinner.
Posted: 29 Nov 2018 17:28 by Michael Barnes #287120
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COMP-U-TRON provides this kind of reporting already. It does not need you to tell it to do so.

Come on folks, get in on this. We have a good turnout but the more the malevolenter.
Posted: 29 Nov 2018 18:16 by SaMoKo #287122
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Not only has the Canada Post strike caused a massive backlog of packages, I’m sure any container I bundle in would be seized by the DEA. My secret Satan would be some weird Mountie/FBI hybrid at my door asking about my rice crispy squares
Posted: 30 Nov 2018 13:16 by mezike #287184
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I am ready to be someone’s secret stain this year! Or Satan, or maybe both. It is after all better to give than receive, just like with opinions, “feedback”, and diseases of the bathing suit area.
Posted: 04 Dec 2018 05:44 by stormseeker75 #287398
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Hurry your ass up, Satan. I've got some fun stuff to send to some sucker.
Posted: 04 Dec 2018 17:07 by Michael Barnes #287481
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COMP-U-TRON is working, there are new algorithms to find your perfect hellhole mate. Some of these proprietary analytics include but are not limited:

- likelihood to wear a fanny pack
- preferred Hawaiian shirt pattern
- Bearded/not beared (with subalgorithm for “chili-crusted” and “non-chili-crusted”)
- Dollar amount spent on Kickstarter games in FY2018.
- Cosmic Encounter opinion
- Has user sent peanut butter longjohns in the past (binary yes/no)
- Overall level of fealty to Games Workshop, TWBG’s corporate overlords

Stand by.
Posted: 05 Dec 2018 07:52 by Da Bid Dabid #287512
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-All of them
-Bearded* (non-chili)
-Sucks Balls
-Would steal, but not kill a baby for them

*looks like a middle schooler's attempt
Posted: 05 Dec 2018 08:21 by SuperflyTNT #287516
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- likelihood to wear a fanny pack
Only if there is no other place to put my gun

- preferred Hawaiian shirt pattern
Any that Tom Selleck wore circa Magnum PI

- Bearded/not beared (with subalgorithm for “chili-crusted” and “non-chili-
Beard, Clean Beard

- Dollar amount spent on Kickstarter games in FY2018.
80$ on roll and write games.

- Cosmic Encounter opinion
It's like shagging your bestie with a barbed wire condom.

- Has user sent peanut butter longjohns in the past (binary yes/no)
No, but I know who has

- Overall level of fealty to Games Workshop, TWBG’s corporate overlords
0.001% (the Space Hulk percent)
Posted: 05 Dec 2018 08:55 by stormseeker75 #287518
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SuperflyTNT wrote:
- Cosmic Encounter opinion
It's like shagging your bestie with a barbed wire condom.

Is this a pro or a con?
Posted: 05 Dec 2018 08:56 by SuperflyTNT #287519
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stormseeker75 wrote:
SuperflyTNT wrote:
- Cosmic Encounter opinion
It's like shagging your bestie with a barbed wire condom.

Is this a pro or a con?

You have to be a pro to do it, and if you do it, you'll end up a con.
Posted: 05 Dec 2018 10:56 by the_jake_1973 #287530
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Da Bid Dabid wrote:
-Bearded* (non-chili)

*looks like a middle schooler's attempt

I can verify this.
Posted: 05 Dec 2018 23:56 by Space Ghost #287568
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With the name and the time taken to get results, I am convinced Barnes has been keeping COMP-U-TRON going in his basement since the 70s.
Posted: 06 Dec 2018 00:44 by san il defanso #287569
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Since the 1970s? Now that's a bit harsh. He paid good money for that copy of Lotus 1-2-3.
Posted: 06 Dec 2018 01:04 by Space Ghost #287570
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He's entering the data on cards, I am sure.

Posted: 06 Dec 2018 07:58 by SuperflyTNT #287586
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Space Ghost wrote:
He's entering the data on cards, I am sure.

I remember my father and myself conspiring to give someone at Memorex a heart attack...he had me go around a corner and replace a real box of punched cards with an old program that was defunct....and then drop it in front of the programmer who created it, Jim. He lost his fucking mind. Just as he was about to smack me with an office chair or terminal or something, my dad pops around the corner with the real box.

Jim was legit going to die over that.
Posted: 06 Dec 2018 22:00 by CranBerries #287654
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We used punch cards on a Wang computer in high school, mid-eighties. My "friend" was pissed off about something and tackled me, spilling them everywhere. We'd fill them out with pencils. He is now the CEO of a Waze competitor.

Posted: 07 Dec 2018 05:39 by stormseeker75 #287658
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I'm going to spend more on shipping than the entire box contents is worth.
Posted: 08 Dec 2018 10:35 by drewcula #287745
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I just got Satan's assignment via COMP-U-TRON.
And in doing so, I found that I could update my profile. Something I haven't done in YEARS.
So now all old school F:ATties can discover my birthday and affinity for alcohol. Though I need to cut back and get into fighting shape.*

* If any of you are in the Mid-Atlantic for the first two weekends of January, get tickets now! www.astropopevents.com

Ho ho ho hell Satan
Posted: 08 Dec 2018 16:34 by Da Bid Dabid #287767
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Hopefully Comp-U-Tron assignments are still going out? Nothing received here yet.
Posted: 08 Dec 2018 17:13 by Michael Barnes #287768
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Your entry fell into...an exception queue.