LOOK WHAT SATAN SENT ME 2013!!!

Rliyen wrote:

Michael Barnes wrote:
It's too quiet in here. IS THE SHAME OF YOUR GIFTS SO GREAT THAT YOU ARE NOT POSTING PICTURES?

If so, I don't care. YOU MUST BE COMPLIANT.

Spent lunch two minutes to edit photos. Will be uploaded after work.

Muhahaha. Don't forget to capture your emotions.

Michael Barnes wrote: It's too quiet in here. IS THE SHAME OF YOUR GIFTS SO GREAT THAT YOU ARE NOT POSTING PICTURES?

If so, I don't care. YOU MUST BE COMPLIANT.

So...Uh...Satan won't let me figure out how to imbed images into a post...Satan won't let me smart, he gave me the dumb.

FFS, can someone help poor old NONCOMPLIANT Von Tush?

So, it turns it wasn't Satan making me dumb, but my POS computer at work just sucking a big fat sack o' dicks.

Parcel carrier dropped off a package most evil, all the way from the Bog of Eternal Stench otherwise know at The Bayou.



As I dove in and began the ritual of unpacking, Satan's first package was unveiled. As photos were required, and my wife was excited to see what was being delivered, I forwarded the photos to her...Her response was "Looking good so far! I'm really excited for this one!"



So far so good, at least as far as Ms VonTush was concerned. As more of Satan's package was unveiled the true horror began.



First are a series of Black Library books which is funny considering a few days ago I thought to myself "Self, I need to get off the internet and read more books". So what better way to improve oneself by reading about the world of Games Workshop! The next thought that popped into my head is "Boy, Elvis sure let himself go" then I realized that it was Adam Corolla...I didn't realize he wrote a book, but this sounds amusing. Just when I thought it was going well, Satan decided to taunt me with "The Direct Sequel to Dune", he must have known that I've never read the first. Wrapping up this package is a game that brought me back to my post-graduation years living at the parent's house and being peppered every morning with the question: "Do you have a job yet?"

After shaking off the indignity of that time period I opened up the next of Satan's Sacks.



Computer games! I haven't played a game on the PC since Diablo II! Which I think came out right abut the same time at Tribes? But this package I got to laugh at Satan. "The Terror of Tiny Town" the Rip Snortin All Midget Western Show"...HA Satan! I laugh at your VHS copy as I had already bought this movie on DVD earlier this year! I have to admit the VHS cover looks a lot cooler though. Also included are pre-marked playing cards from what I can only assume was a package of dog food and a little dice game Le Bomb which I've actually contemplated throwing into my purchase at my FLGS.

But alas, at this point Baby VonTush is fussing for food, and the VonTush family is waiting on me to cook up some burgers. More to follow!

Terror of Tiny Town VHS- slam dunk, Satan! Jed Buell's midgets as they were meant to be seen- on a shitty public domain video tape!

I'd keep the Dune book by the potty in case you run out of TP.

notice that the Dune book is not written by Frank Herbert, but his illiterate son Brian and the interloper known as Kevin. Satan has been more cruel than you realize. Not only is it a sequel to a book you have never read, its a sequel that most fans consider fecal matter. Burn it!

Tribes Vegence is pretty good, but probably still the worst of the Tribes games.

Michael Barnes wrote: I'd keep the Dune book by the potty in case you run out of TP.

But each page is already covered with shit!

As an experience recipient of ALL THINGS SHAITAN, I must recommend that folks open any packages that are not factory sealed. Woe be to the person who thinks it's actually APPLES TO APPLES in there and breaks it out in front of Mom after a few weeks.

"I got it during the holidays. I hear it's gr--oh, wait, this is filled with dildos."

6. The true mark of the Beast = Mayday Games card sleeves.




And the real reason it weighed to much… a 3.0 D&D Player’s Handbook.





Overall, am somehow strangely pleased with the card-o-copia.

At least it wasn't Spellfire cards.

I came home yesterday and found a rather heavy, medium rate, box sitting on the bench in the foyer. After checking the return address, I was stunned to realize that there is a portal to Hell in Utah, or maybe not.

I brought the accursed thing to the table, muttering to my wife, “What’s in the box, honey? Awwww, what’s in the boooooox?”



Gathering an accoutrements of religious symbols, and hoping to God it wasn’t Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, I cut the box open.



This is what I found:

1. Satan doesn’t want me to come to him too soon, because he sent me dietary supplements. I can only guess the ATP stands for Asmodeus’ Tasty Piss. I’ll feed them to my cats, just to be safe.







2. Heroes of Graxia, with a comely hellion on the cover to boot!



3. A PS Vita!?! Satan’s not such a bad guy after all! –open-




4. Son of a bitch…. Filled with a smorgasbord of Small Box Games.



5. Eaten by Zombies! I looove mah zombie games.



More to follow.

Oh shit, the Vita box but no console....NICE!

Satan I have your package! I will edit this tomorrow to include pictures when I am at work, my internet can't seem to handle it.

Rliyen wrote: 6. The true mark of the Beast = Mayday Games card sleeves.

And the real reason it weighed to much… a 3.0 D&D Player’s Handbook.

Attachment S9.jpeg not found

It's not even the 3.5 ruleset, feel that burn! IT'S OBSOLETE I SAY. The ATP is like 5 hour energy to keep you awake longer to be tortured by that fact.

DukeofChutney wrote: notice that the Dune book is not written by Frank Herbert, but his illiterate son Brian and the interloper known as Kevin. Satan has been more cruel than you realize. Not only is it a sequel to a book you have never read, its a sequel that most fans consider fecal matter. Burn it!

Then it is true that Satan's evil knows no bounds!

As I dug deeper mental torture began to wrack my brain...Items that look so bad and are bad by any measure of good taste appear amusing and excite me. Has my descent into madness truly begun?



When I first glanced and saw "WXIII" my instant thought was "Yes! Some sort of WWE Main Event #13!" And then I noticed it was an anime...Thoughts of wrestlers in jean cutoffs and knee high boots faded. After some reading online I found out the full name is WXIII: Patlabor the Movie 3. Let me just quote here "The movie is a side story to the Patlabor series, and takes place in between Patlabor: The Movie and Patlabor 2: The Movie. It is based on a part of the manga and has a similar premise to a story in the original OVA series. WXIII premiered out of competition during the Tokyo International Fantastic Film Festival, which had special screening on December 10, 2001. WXIII's Japanese theatrical release took place on March 30, 2002 to coincide with the release of Minipato. Geneon Entertainment licensed WXIII for its North American release on January 10, 2003, which was eventually followed by later DVD releases to Europe and Oceania." I'm sensing confusion awaits me upon viewing.

Staying in the Pacific there is Vampire Hunters which I'm likely way more excited to watch than I should be. There's a factory sealed copy of some game called Fate and judging by the lead character that looks like a cross between the knight from Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts and Diego from Go Diego Go, should I decide to ruin the aftermarket value by breaking the shrink I'm sure to be in for a treat. SS must have pitched his VHS player because I received what appears to be mint brand-new in shrink Square-Enix promotional video with the list of Bushido Blade (one of my all time favorite fighting games!), Final Fantasy Tactics, Final Fantasy and something called Salsa Frontier?

Which leads us to my laugh out loud moment of the day, which was when I pulled out the HeMan SheRa Christmas Special! Part of my mad laughter was because this very morning, our Elf on the Shelf Amelia decided to bring some early presents for my son and stepdaughter. Baby VonTush got a kickass Superman zip up hoodie, but the stepdaughter received...The HeMan SheRa Christmas Special! HAHAHAHAH!!! My sanity started to crack as I began to realize that my family may have a live in Secret Satan and that SS was myself! After that realization the room went dark.

When I came to, my hand was already pulling back the corner of the wrapping of the next layer of evil. And what should my wondering eyes should appear, but General Lee and eight tiny Civil War reenactors photographed for the cover of BattleCry.



Also included was a shrink wrapped copy of Axis and Allies. Both of these are very awesome. Battle Cry I had years back sold (or traded) when the market spiked a bit but wanted to reacquire. Axis and Allies I've been thinking about upgrading my old beat up edition. And as I've been looking to take my nephew under my wing so to speak, as he has expressed a lot of interest in gaming, these are some great additions. Last was a map to Satans realm I assumed, but then I remembered the counters that
I caught a glimpse of just before I blacked out. Being the logical wiz that I am, I put two and two together and still couldn't come up with a game because I couldn't find any rules.

It was then that I decided to double check the Battle Cry box to make sure Satan didn't pull a bait and switch. And lo! The missing link to my 30 second old puzzle.



Demonlord - Named for The Dark Lord himself! Putting the map, chits and rules together I realized that I had a one of a kind print and play edition of an old Dwarf Star Game. Pretty F-ing cool I thought! And then I looked closely at the chits (my apologies for the shitty photo, my camera wanted to focus on the faux wood grain of my desk):



There was a West Wizard, and growing up in Chicago one knew not to F with the West side, the west side was the Mob. Something majestic called a Beast God. The lower right was an image of Dark Helmet. And the coup de grace was the Mother-F'ing Sea Serpent from Stronghold's edition of Survive shooting a Mother-F'ing Bow with his Mother-F'ing mouth. Holy Sweet Fuck that's awesome!

And thus ends my morality tale of my descent into madness.
Thank you Secret Satan!

Secret Satan wrote:

Rliyen wrote: 6. The true mark of the Beast = Mayday Games card sleeves.

And the real reason it weighed to much… a 3.0 D&D Player’s Handbook.

Attachment S9.jpeg not found

It's not even the 3.5 ruleset, feel that burn! IT'S OBSOLETE I SAY. The ATP is like 5 hour energy to keep you awake longer to be tortured by that fact.

What did you do to deserve the worst mainstream RPG of all time, guy.

jeb wrote: As an experience recipient of ALL THINGS SHAITAN, I must recommend that folks open any packages that are not factory sealed. Woe be to the person who thinks it's actually APPLES TO APPLES in there and breaks it out in front of Mom after a few weeks.

"I got it during the holidays. I hear it's gr--oh, wait, this is filled with dildos."

Words of wisdom. Satan similarly disguised a heap of Spellfire cards for me.