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Secret Satan 2017 - "Gifts" Received List

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26 Dec 2017 21:05 #259631 by Rliyen
Da Bid, Phoenix Command was literally designed by NASA engineers, and it shows with its mathiness and learning curve. Once you understand how it works, it's a rather brutal system. Imagine any RPG combat system you've played, now throw all your strategies regarding them out the window. The system is unforgiving to mistakes. Normal tactics that will work in most other game systems (oh, I can take that arrow hit and charge the archer), will get you killed deader than Hell in PC. Doing the normal things, like taking cover and ducking when under fire, will suit you nicely.

I've been wanting to play this system with my current group, but I think they'll shit a brick when their characters die rather quickly.
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26 Dec 2017 22:16 #259635 by Secret Satan
Rliyen,

That's Romance of the Nine Empires with its expansion. Because ol' Satan wants you to have the full experience of that AEG misfire.
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26 Dec 2017 22:21 #259636 by Rliyen

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27 Dec 2017 09:31 #259653 by the_jake_1973
I'm part of a Phoenix Command yahoo group and was able to get all the books for PC and Living Steel for the cost of postage when the creator found a shitload of old stock laying about. I like the Wild West expansion the best.

The formulae that the people on the board toss about to discuss how to bring newer weapons into the game is well above me.

We could always get a game together on Vassal and spend most of the time calculating the path of one bullet through a person's body.
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27 Dec 2017 10:17 #259655 by Da Bid Dabid
Jake we are close enough to get together in person too!
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27 Dec 2017 11:09 #259665 by Gary Sax
Sending you a laminated copy of an old game you made that you weren't entirely satisfied with is low key the MOST secret satan thing you could possibly get. Possibly more so than the human teeth.
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27 Dec 2017 11:12 #259666 by SuperflyPete
While this is very valid, Gary, I think the fact that he both managed to send me something that is completely vile AND shit upon the state of my residence, in one fell swoop, was pretty much as Secret Satan as you can get.

I was dying laughing when I opened that envelope, though. Straight up brilliant SS move.

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27 Dec 2017 11:21 #259668 by Michael Barnes
The person that sent the teeth PMed me to make sure it was OK. So I approved that. That is SUPREMELY awesome and quite possibly the best SS gift this holiday tradition has ever seen. It is at least up there with the Jessica Hahn Playboy and the autographed picture of Goofy.

Sending Pete his own game though...that is truly diabolical.

I am working on getting the pictures of my SS journey up today.
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27 Dec 2017 11:27 - 27 Dec 2017 11:28 #259669 by SebastianBludd

Michael Barnes wrote: It is at least up there with the Jessica Hahn Playboy and the autographed picture of Goofy.


Let us also not forget the vintage copy of Power Broker with Jerry Lewis on the box.
Last edit: 27 Dec 2017 11:28 by SebastianBludd.

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27 Dec 2017 11:34 #259670 by Secret Satan
Or the peanut butter underwear

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27 Dec 2017 11:35 #259671 by hotseatgames
Pete's gift is killing me.... too funny!

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27 Dec 2017 11:56 #259672 by the_jake_1973
My package of questionable goods showed up yesterday. After seeing Superfly's package, I was happy that people do not know much about me here. That did not prevent this package from containing some items of dubious merit.
The first selection was a couple books for SPSS on a and Vax and Unix. I actually worked on a VAX system when I got out of the Army, so there was a spark of bitter memories.



The familiar musty smell of old books and I pulled out these beauties:



Apparently, old attic finds was the theme as I pulled two broken and depressed game carcasses from the box.





Two obscure, to me, titles were next. Toboggans may be fun, but I do not hold out hope for Roman Taxi.





The bottom layer was the payoff. Truly good stuff and games I do not already have.




I've been buying up old AH games and the copy of Starship Troopers will go perfect with them. The game bits were bagged and sorted! Huzzah!
Fields of Fire has been on my buy list for a while as well. Satan answered my unspoken wishes.

This has been a great package. Hail Satan!
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27 Dec 2017 14:01 #259677 by Rafael Silva
Every year I want in but don't want to hear no one will ship to Brazil, great 'gifts' this SS.

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27 Dec 2017 14:40 #259679 by SuperflyPete
I always agree to ship internationally, for what it’s worth. Shit’s expensive but it’s 100% worth it to spread Christmas ire every year.
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27 Dec 2017 15:23 - 27 Dec 2017 16:23 #259682 by Michael Barnes
#metoo

So here is the story of my Secret Satan journey. Somehow, Comp-U-Tron mistakenly matched me up with some unknown “benefactor” and I received an unexpected package in the mail. I have launched a full inquiry as to what went wrong, this is highly irregular and I had been led to believe that my sponsorship disqualified me from participation.

My kids saw the package first. “Daddy, you got a box in the mail with a robot Santa on it!” My heart stopped. I took the box away and hid it from my family in shame. I had no idea what would be in it. When everyone left to go Christmas shopping, I opened it.

On the label was a crude illustration of what a child might think Comp-U-Tron looks like:



Inside was this weird note, which created more questions than it answered:



But then, underneath that...a framed portrait of Billy Mitchell. It seems our paths are inexorably linked and I’m afraid a final showdown is inevitable.



As if that weren’t hateful enough...beneath it, TONS of packing material. Someone knows I HATE packing material. Especially this kind, which gets everywhere. I’ve already begun trying to piece the shreds together to get a clue of who may have done this to me.



After fishing around in this nonsense, I pulled out this box of Chaos Knights. And to my surprise, it actually had Chaos Knights in it along with some other pieces- weapons and an absolutely useless tray. And...an old timey GW catalog! I love things like that! The satanism in this gift is that giving anyone unbidden Warhammer stuff is like an invitation to spend $500 on new army stuff. The temptation is great- especially because I have other vintage Chaos/Slaves to Darkness stuff and it would just take a little more to get to 1000 points...or 1500...or 2000...













So that wasn’t too bad, other than temptation...then I found this, which is really kind of funny because the first Christmas present my wife ever gave me was a preorder for the Road Warrior action figures since they were not out in time that year (2000). But I saw them and cancelled it, getting some Japanese Transformers instead. So now, 17 years I got the WORST looking of all of the figures!





And then 175 Transformers stickers. What does Satan know about me?



And then, a pile of comics. Pretty decent ones actually...



Look closely. There is a hidden gem in there. Detective Comics #475 is one of _the_ classic Joker stories, The Laughing Fish. A Steve Englehart classic!



From that high point to a questionable one...apparently Satan knows I like Trek and like a bewildered grandma, he gave me whatever this is:



The BGG entry rates it at 4.58 and includes posts such as “Trying to Make this Game Fun”.

I believe it is the only game that Weaselpants Productions ever made.



Next I dug our this, and was pretty surprised that it was something kind of awesome, especially because of the vintage SF illustrations. I especially like the cyclops being shot in the head with a ray gun.





Cool! But then I opened it and son of a bitch...



OF COURSE the Dr. Smith and Will Robinson pieces are missing! I guess I will have to proxy them with Chaos Knights. Here are the full rules.



The board is really quite lovely:



So moving on from that “hey this is actually kind of a nice thing to get” moment...these turned up. Double U tee eff.





I find these profoundly upsetting. Metal chopstick-like things affixed to this horrid brown hand...like long nails or something. You eat with this hand’s outsized metal talons. It oddly echoes those Wolverine issues from above.

So I thought it was all over and then there was one more thing buried deep. And another strange synergy. Before Steve “Tanktop” Avery started hobnobbing with folks like Tom Vasel and he left us all behind, he used to always try to get me to play Racer Knights of Falconud with him...because nobody else would. But I never did. And now I have a pile of the little plastic card vehicles. And rules. And a pile of those teeny little dice.





All of this leaves on major question...who the hell is Katy Wirt of Pandora, IA? Is it YOU?

Anyway, I now have had a taste of the shame and humiliation that Secret Satan brings and after thinking we weren’t going to do it this year, my zest for spreading holiday havoc has been rekindled. We WILL do this again next year...and I will be sending one of you a personal package from the bowels of hell. The really bad bowels too, not the gentrified ones.
Last edit: 27 Dec 2017 16:23 by Michael Barnes.

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