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TOPIC: What are your plans for 2018?

What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 13:07 #260116

My girlfriend wants a "normal" wedding. The average American wedding now costs about $29,000. She already shows some bridezilla tendencies, so I just know that an actual wedding will bring out the monster in her. I also expect that she will frantically overspend on any offspring that we might have, and the resulting financial trouble will drive us apart and then I lose my house in divorce. Pre-nuptial agreement, you say? Judges positively delight in breaking them.

The underlying problem is that I have been propping up my girlfriend financially for most of the relationship (14 years), and I can't keep doing that. She resents being dependent on me, but it took her an extra 12 years to finish getting a four-year degree, and then she can't seem to find a full-time job in her field. Now I'm 52, and the idea of marriage and kids at this late stage seems unwise. I don't mean that people getting married and having kids in general is unwise, just that the potential disadvantages outweigh the potential advantages for me.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 13:21 #260119

yeah pre-nups hold little weight. In Quebec they don't actually do anything anymore.

The fact that you have been propping up your g/f would sink you in a divorce hearing.

the disadvantages for marriage will always outweigh the advantages (if you look at it rationally). However with kids, it's different. It's not always so. The upside is infinite, the downside can be heavy if you are with the wrong person especially in the wrong circumstances.

Shell, you should just marry me and we'd probably be happy together. It can be a nice platonic relationship and everything.

...oh, i don't really like playing board games.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 13:24 #260120

Shellhead wrote:
My girlfriend wants a "normal" wedding. The average American wedding now costs about $29,000. She already shows some bridezilla tendencies, so I just know that an actual wedding will bring out the monster in her. I also expect that she will frantically overspend on any offspring that we might have, and the resulting financial trouble will drive us apart and then I lose my house in divorce. Pre-nuptial agreement, you say? Judges positively delight in breaking them.

The underlying problem is that I have been propping up my girlfriend financially for most of the relationship (14 years), and I can't keep doing that. She resents being dependent on me, but it took her an extra 12 years to finish getting a four-year degree, and then she can't seem to find a full-time job in her field. Now I'm 52, and the idea of marriage and kids at this late stage seems unwise. I don't mean that people getting married and having kids in general is unwise, just that the potential disadvantages outweigh the potential advantages for me.

Yeah - sadly, you've probably nailed both those points. Getting into a permanent relationship middle-late age can be bad if it falls to pieces, suddenly retirement plans are smashed to pieces. And having kids late can be tough work physically and mentally, plus the kids miss out with older parents not able to participate in family activities as much as younger parents would be able and the increased risk of parents dying when the kids have spent less of their life with them.
Nothing wrong with marrying at that age if two people are really into each other, maybe just a different lifestyle to be had than what a couple in their twenties would look at.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 13:49 #260123

Okay, listen up, because I'm about to drop some knowledge. Don't worry about the prenuptial agreement that you don't think would work anyway. Instead go for what I heard a lawyer call the "house of cards" approach. Pay a lawyer to create a trust, with you as the sole controller of said trust, and establish what happens when you die, etc.

Sign all of your major possessions (house, land, boat, etc) over to the trust. Now you don't own anything, and losing half of nothing in a divorce is not much of a concern.

Also, I'd keep the existence of said trust under your hat. :)

Also, just my two cents, but kids at your age.... hell to the no.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 13:54 #260124

Love the idea. It just seems entering into a marriage with the intention of misdirection sort of defeats the purpose a bit. You sort of got to go into it with trust, respect and love or your horse isn’t going to make it far out of the gate.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 15:05 #260129

My girlfriend and I have an okay relationship, but I just don't think that relationship is strong enough to survive marriage and kids. I have seen friends who appeared much happier than us who got divorced after just a few years of marriage. I did propose to her several years ago, but she said no. She was already married once, so she has some experience with divorce. We like each other, but probably would have broken up years ago if not for her financial dependency. She needs my help, and I would feel horribly guilty about dumping her for the sake of my cash flows.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 15:07 #260130

Also, she has something like $75,000 in student loan debt. I am helping her with the monthly payments, but I don't want my name officially on that debt.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 15:28 #260131

Black Barney wrote:
Love the idea. It just seems entering into a marriage with the intention of misdirection sort of defeats the purpose a bit. You sort of got to go into it with trust, respect and love or your horse isn’t going to make it far out of the gate.

That's a lovely ideal, but as someone who is divorced, I know that life can change in a second.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 15:43 #260133

Shell, I'm not getting into the how's and why's and what's with anyone here, but I will tell you this: Fuck that shit. Trust me. Unless you love that girl with every single fiber of your soul (including future and past souls) DO NOT MARRY HER. PERIOD.

Based on your commentary that you'd have dumper's guilt if you slated her for dismissal (trust me on this, I know your pain) fuck that shit. You owe her zero. Nothing. Remember that, seriously, in a non preachy and non-dickish way from one friend to another. When shit goes sideways and she loses her mind, becomes a drunk and/or an addict, and it takes you ten years of white hot suffering (not to mention the kids' being affected by the fucktastic insanity in your home) to MAYBE get her halfway human again.....it's absolutely a brutal thing (hypothetically speaking) that I wouldn't wish upon even Trump. Well, maybe Trump.

Unless you're Catholic or Jewish (as the writer is both) and have massive guilt complexes already, you'll end up running scenarios through your head about how you can get a nice shower going, pour her a couple drinks, and then smash her fucking skull on the side of the shower calling it an "accidental death" so she won't steal your fucking kids in the middle of the night and raise them to be just as fucking psycho as she is.

And if you're lucky, she'll get sober and clean and go back to being a demihuman.

Al hypothetically.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 16:30 #260136

I've actually been in a relationship with a drug addict, and I've dated an alcoholic. Never again. My girlfriend has issues, but she doesn't show any signs of becoming any sort of addict, aside from maybe binge-watching anime. She is a procrastinator and a perfectionist, but can often manage her perfectionist tendencies. Anyway, to your point, I really don't have any intention of marrying her anymore. I can see spending the rest of my life with her, but without getting married. Used to be that nearly everybody got married, but now it seems more like a legal arrangement that isn't beneficial to the more successful spouse.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 17:18 #260139

Check local laws for common law marriage

Just did. Minnesota doesn’t recognize them.
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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 20:53 #260152

mads b. wrote:
We finally moved into our new house in November, and while the house is brand new the garden and especially the community we are a part of is gonna take some work. We are 20 families in a newly built "village" kind of thing, and we hope to have communal dinners and all that jazz up and running. But even though the other families are nice and cool, creating a community and agreeing on things can be tough - especially when it comes to finding money to, for instance, build our community house.

How I picture this:

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What are your plans for 2018? 03 Jan 2018 21:29 #260153

Shell,

All I can do is share a couple anecdotes about my life and relationship guilt.

I was married for 10 years and midway through it, my wife started showing signs of schitzophrenia, paranoid delusions, a 'controller' voice, etc. I had to admit her once voluntarily and once involunttarily, the cops had to once as well as her dad. I tried managing her meds and appointments for her. She was a psych major and was able to say what was needed to get out of the hospitals. The meds worked, but as soon as she felt better, she would stop taking them and go back to the craziness. I toughed it out for a bit over 4 years watching the decline. I was wracked with guilt for filing for divorce, but I knew I was going to go crazy if I didn't get out. I needed to save my mental health. I still feel bad about it and I can't watch some movies without choking up, but it was the best choice.

Second anecdote. After my divorce I got involved with a woman and ended up moving in with her and helped her through nursing school. A few years at least. I helped with her kid as well. taught her to ride a bike and went through the potty traing stuff. I had those same feelings of staying with her because of an obligation that was purely in my head. Once again, it was the best choice for me to move on and away. It sucked, but it was better for all involved.

Don't let self-imposed obligations corral you into a life you might not really want or a life that will be poor for your emotional health. Sometimes you have to be selfish.
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What are your plans for 2018? 04 Jan 2018 07:55 #260169

I’m going to hell for saying this, but at some point the idea had to have crossed your mind to put little hidden speakers in the house to speak to her “GIVE HIM ANAL OR ELSE” “SWALLOW THE JIZZ” “COOK STEAKS, MEDIUM RARE”
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What are your plans for 2018? 04 Jan 2018 08:07 #260170

SuperflyTNT wrote:
I’m going to hell for saying this, but at some point the idea had to have crossed your mind to put little hidden speakers in the house to speak to her “GIVE HIM ANAL OR ELSE” “SWALLOW THE JIZZ” “COOK STEAKS, MEDIUM RARE”

Dude. I could create a whole new thread with her craziness. Years after the divorce, I would get calls from various FBI offices around the country when she would make a complaint about me or my family. The speaker trick would have been an entertaining diversion.
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