What my SECRET SATAN sent me!

In case someone is waiting for me to post I just want to add that I haven't gotten anything so far. Which is somehow worse than the utter crap I got last year.

I got a call from my neighbor that I got a package there. I'm not back in town until the 22nd of January so my Satan will have to wait for my horrified reaction.

Yesterday I return home from a busy day of not doing work to find a package on my doorstep. Noting the lack of "Amazon" stamped on the side, it could only be one thing: Satan and her mule-drawn rickshaw had descended from Hell and left a pile of infernal offal in a slightly dinged up box.



And on my table it sat for the rest of the day, taunting me. Would it contain something terrifying? Would I actually be able to recognize any part of it? Would I get a Secret Satan who mistakenly thinks Satan is a synonym of Santa instead of an anagram and find something good inside? Considering what I sent out, I don't think I could take that. Knowing that someday I would have to face my fears, I ripped into the packaging to find a note:



Oh thank Beelzebub I didn't get anything all that good...my conscience was in the clear. But what exactly was inside you might ask?



Yeah, a whole bunch of shit, which I'll list below in case these photos don't quite work out.

- A USB controller. Guess what, I don't actually own one of these for my computer, so if this works, I might actually use it. Thanks Satan!

- A Nintendo64 cartridge of some WWF game. I don't actually own an N64, but here's hoping I can cram into into my original NES and get some use out of it. Thanks Satan!

- A Circuit City CD containing a random assortment of games. Since I have 300 games on my Steam account, of which I've maybe played half, not sure when this'll find its way into my CD drive. But with Circuit city out of business, this will probably be a collector's item in about 200 years. My great great great great great great grandson says "Thanks Satan!"

- Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Wilderness Survival Guide. A D&D book I don't own! Thanks Satan!

- "Journeyman" RPG book. Thumbed through it, and it actually sounds pretty cool. And there aren't any copies up on eBay, so it must be valuable. Thanks Satan!

- Transformers Adventure Game Book. Hmmm, wonder what this...IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE BOOK, YES! THANKS SATAN!

- Star Trek Voyager Elite Force game manual. Dude, this thing supports 3DFX cards. I'm going to go dig up my 15 year old PC and go pirate this bad boy. Thanks Satan!

- Vietnam 1965-1975. I though about adding a picture of the contents of this box, but figured I would spare everyone the horror. The included map is in hexes, but all of the thin cardboard tokens are rectangular. As my dear Satan mentioned, I'm also not convinced the counters/tokens/units/whatever actually belong to the game, either. I would check the instructions, BUT THERE AREN'T ANY. However, worst case, I've got some free confetti for the next wedding I attend. Thanks Satan!

- Battle Ball. Opening this up, to my surprise, I see what may actually be a complete game with instructions and some cool minis. I might try and con someone into giving this a try with me. Thanks Satan!

- A book entitled "Mating in Captivity" - I just entered a new relationship, this might just come in handy. Thanks Satan!

- Maybeline Brow & Eye Liner, New In Box. Ok, my first guess is that my Secret Satan is far-sighted and confused my name with Matt Loter, and that is why she sent this to me. Regardless, I never seem to have a pen handy when tallying up scores at the end of a game, so this should do the trick. Thanks Satan!

- An army man missing half a leg. That's about it. Kinda sad, really. You probably didn't know my dad lost half his leg in Vietnam, so I forgive you for that. But seriously, you should think about these things.

OK, there was more shit in there, mostly cards, but this has already taken me too long and I've used up all my creative ways to thank someone for utterly random crap.

If there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that the next time I clean house I'm going to start filling up a "Secret Satan" bag for next year...

BATTLEBALL is awesome. That game is actually a ton of fun. That Lord of Darkness knows his stuff.

Meanwhile.... those of you technologically advanced enough to Tweet the Twitters have seen these. But here is my Secret Satan rundown:

My gift arrives. I approach cautiously. Lead apron and blast goggles out of frame.



Nothing goes off. A first glance in the box. A knife nearby in case something tries to get out.

Note: A collapsable Christmas ornament on top. Immediately confiscated by my son who thinks its lovely. Satan knows we don't truck with Jesus in this house, this is insidious in the extreme. Further, our efforts at raising scientifically curious children are undermined by DiTerlizzi's excellent Field Guide to Fairy Folk or whatever specious bullshit lurks in that Arthur Spiderwick book. Curse your infernal form!


The first layer. A noxious stratum of horrible softcover Reagan-era miniseries novelizations, THE HOLLYWOOD GAME (some Euro scoring card game--Satan knows I'm near movieland), an Origins hotel keycard, and some really fucking awesome looking game magazines. IN FRENCH.

But deeper, the.... horror...


Random figs, a tennis ball, ships, a plastic spoon (USED?! Dunno), and rubberbands--oh God, so many.

Somewhere in there is an horrid corporate handout bag. With...


DEATH ANGEL in it! And it's real! Maybe it'll crumble too dust if I actually play it, but it seems legit. Probably missing one card or something devious. See also the official HOSTEL toenail clippers (which I assume is disgusting to someone that has seen that shit), a Nazgul fig from MEQ, and a GREEN LANTERN ring (broken).



Thanks everyone! And especially you, Mephistopheles. The sobs of my children are like sweet music to your goat ears, I am sure.

stormseeker75 wrote: Me neither. Some folks just don't bother posting. I can understand that, but I don't want anyone to think I stiff my poor target.

What's the point in particpating if you do not share your pain with the rest of us. I want to hear the horrors and trama suffered damnit.

The present Satan gave me this year was hearing about this too late. Every post I see torments my soul. Ugh, I can't wait till next year

HA! I write for Jeux sur Plateau...see if I've got an article in there!

Holy fuck...HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I go to pick up the mail today and see a parcel waiting for me in the snow, on my porch. I open it up see a Xmas card from Satan. Then I lift open the flaps of the box and see that my SS has sent SUPER DUNGEON EXPLORE!!!!!!

Allow me to say that this, has quite possibly been the worst year of my life, for many reasons I don't wish to discuss publicly, but I can say that I am getting over a very serious ear/bone infection that has been trying to say the least and this unexpected, ( not to mention unnecessary- I mean its is SS) act of generosity has really touched me.

So to you, my Dark Lord, I say thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. For now, and forever more, I am yours! By the forked tongue of Mephistopheles, let it be so!


SIDE NOTE: @ JEB - nice Laguiole!

So you've had the worst year of your life even without me getting to slap you. Must have been genuinely shitty then

mads b. wrote: So you've had the worst year of your life even without me getting to slap you. Must have been genuinely shitty then

Heh, you have no idea.

My SS gift has me feeling so good that I PROMISE you a slap should we ever meet! Just not on my right side though-- that's where my ouchy is.