What my SECRET SATAN sent me!

PIMP is so terrible. Satan truly hates you.

GLS was buy on the 22nd but I wasn't at home. So I had to wait till today to get my box from SS - and what a box it was.

Sadie the Demon wrote a nice letter saying that since I hate Santa but still want presents, I could have the scraps from their table. They must have a pretty good gaming table in Hell cause here's what I got:

Eminent Domain - Sci-fi deckbuilding. Looks really cool and I like deckbuilders with a theme. Hasn't even been played.

Dragon't gold - Comes in a cool metal box that would be a perfect lunchbox for when my kid starts in kindergarten shortly. Also the game looks like a fun filler, something I don't really have in my collection.

EastFront - A Columbia Block game that looks like a monster. Estimated play time is 240 minutes so I can't see exactly when I'll ever get to play it. But it comes with a ton of cool wooden blocks and it's about the Eastern Front so it's probably great.

So thanks Secret Satan, you're quite nice for a Maqquis of the pit.

Well box three finally arrived from Satan, so I think my time in purgatory is complete.

Satan in a moment of weakness thought in necessary to send me the rules for Blood Wars in box 2. He also sent the rules for Hour of Glory which appears to have been a ruse. Box 2 also contained a sealed envelope with instructions not to open it until I received box three. All quite mysterious.

I actually waited. At my age you take any feeling of exciting anticipation you can get.

Box 3 arrived and I found Death Angel inside, and the sealed envelope contained what appears to be one of the add-ons for the game. I don't know anything about Death Angel, but I know everyone seems to be enjoying it and my 40k playing boys saw the box and quickly had things open on the basement table. They may be teaching me this time.

An Amazon gift card included as well which will NOT go to waste! I got way more than I sent out. Honestly, I really screwed my guy.

S.

Me too, Sag. I guess that's the nature of these things.

Last Friday when I got home from work, straight from the door I could see a bigger packet on the kitchen table. I knew right away what it was, it was here. I took my time, only glancing the packet when I walked past it. I went through the other mail first. Then a decided it was better to empty my bladder before opening this. Took a shit instead, maybe it was the butterflies.

Return address showed me where Satan lives. I can't say I was suprised, I've never been there and never crossed my mind to go. Took one of my good knives and opened the packet. Purple was the first thing I saw. Purple is good. Then I recognized that 'B', you can't miss that 'B' for Buffy. This is going to be great. I have one Buffy game and it's fun, not the best game ever, but better than the top ten at tos.

The know-it-alls claim this is the worse Buffy game, but worse Buffy game is still bound to be better than the top ten at tos. Inside was another game, Gloom, which I know nothing about. On the enclosed note Satan lied like Satan does, claiming it's better of the two. What does Satan know, Buffy will kick her skinny butt three nil.

I left the opened game at the table and did something else. Soon the wife and kids came inside, she's the bigger Buffy from us two. First thing she notices about the game was "There's no Angel! Here's Willow and Xander and Master, but here's no Angel." Women notice these things. I only noticed the glossy lips of Sarah Michelle Gellar, her mouth slightly ajar, her perfect skin and eyes that say "Right about now I'll tie you into my bed and make you howl my name". Thank you Satan for these warm feelings.

I took some photos, but I didn't see a way to upload those.

Sorry for the lateness...but Satan seems to think I know German! (only fair as I did the same to him)

Sceptor of Zavendor I think it is called...will get my German dictionary out after holiday ends and see what I can do with this.

Always fun Mike, thanks!

And to MY Satan...hoping as well for CanCon but evil spirits may cause me to miss this year (Ack!) Will see what happens.

Finally time to reveal the extent of evil shoved my way.

A package duly arrived via Germany and via England eventually to Kuwait and into my sweaty hands. Strangely, there were two packages....turns out Satan is a wimp and felt the need to mitigate the pile of shit in the first package with something, at least playable, in the second. I consider Satan duley classified as 'a girl's blouse' for such behaviour.

Anyway, package one opened to show me the map and rules for Mech War '77 this is a very old, nay, antique SPI game. Mech War 2 was the first proper wargame I bought myself back in 1977 with my pocket money. The problem with it is plotted moves, which tends to slow the fucker down to a crawl. In this case, the problem with it, would have been no counters.

An old S&T dealing with Nicaragua was intact with map and rules there and a scanned counter sheet so I might give it play as I've never heard of it.

A wooden fan (because it is hot in Kuwait).

A book showing scenes of snow (because its hot in Kuwait).

A dice with the same German phrase on each side presumably saying 'it's time for beer' or something similar (because alcohol is illegal in Kuwait).

A magazine on fantasy modelling...... in Thai.

Magnetic solitaire...

A card game on questions about trivia of the Second World War .... in French (my French is better than my German)

A card game called 'From Cape to Cairo' (because I live sort of near Cairo) looks like a track layer building from Africa....fuck it, I'll give it a shot and report back.

A card game called Bayon which looks like Tikal via cards. I fucking HATE Tikal so I think this, thrilling expeditionary game set in Cambodia, will not see the table too much.

A wierdo game called Rory's Story Cubes. Throw a load of dice and make up a story based on the dumbass cartoons on the dice. This has to be the worst waste of time ever (apart from playing Elder Signs of course). Good for a 4 yr old ....maybe, but otherwise I'd rather eat Pete's semi automatic.

Perry Rhodan Monopoly in German .... nuff said

A normal pack of cards...clearly Satan knows my undying hate for 'normal' card games and my preference for a huge wank instead.

Settlers of Catan in Ankh Morpork in German ..triple hat trick on three things I hate...(the language.. not the people, I might add)

An American Civil War card game that looks a bit crappy on first look but I'll give it a run through, just in case

Two starter packs for Guardians, a fantasy CCG....don't know anything about this so I'll give it a go.

PnP game called Hunt the Dictator starring President Haddock Distain which appears to be Battleships in Baghdad.

An obscure booklet on military tactics written in 1825 by Baron de Jomini (whoever the fuck he is)

This lot is a mix of both packages....so, to be honest, the make up package wasn't much to shout home about.

Finally, a copy of Panzergruppe Guderian which is cool because I don't have it and I like East Front wargames. This is why Satan is a complete wimpoid

In my humble opinion, Satan is an asshole living in Germany....but he knew that anyway.

Overall, a big pile of shit except for Panzergruppe Guderian which I am duly grateful for.

Halllelujah, so glad you got a big package this year. A big package of WTF. What in the hell...that is some obscure ass shit.

What kind of Secret Satan sends an Amazon gift card? Did they not get the memo? Sexxxcitations, yes. Amazon gift card, no.

Now, does everybody have something at this point? Hatch said he didn't, but then he posted. Is everybody gifted up so we can shut this thing down and finally declare Holiday '11 over?

We'll definitely do it again this year, too much fun to see the crap you people pull out of your ass.

PERRY RHODAN MONOPOLY in German has to be our prize winner this year. That is a nasty nasty turd there. BLOOD WARS or no.

This has, by far, been my favourite forum topic. Can't wait to get in on the fun next year!

Extreme thread necromancy as I just now got back to my apartment where the package was shipped. After it sat in my neighbor's hallway for slightly over a month and there wasn't even a whiff of decaying organic matter I thought I was going to be let off easy.

The first thing I saw was an old photo copy of some stretching exercises with "Prone on Elbows", "Lower Trunk Rotation Stretch" and "Bridging" highlighted. Not sure if this was meant as a threat or maybe my Secret Satan was coming on to me but either way I had an erection.

Beneath the threat cum proposition lay instructions for repairing or installing or whatever a power steering pump for a Mitsubishi Galant? The blurry diagrams of the lamest explosions ever didn't really grab me, but a note scrawled on the back of the first page gave me hope that it would help identify my Satan so maybe I could meet up and get prone on elbows. Instead I found this:

A metaphor becoming reality, the layers in this onion brought tears to my eyes. A copy of Thunderstone lay beneath it all, obscuring yet more inside the package. Upon closer inspection, the box was empty except for hundreds of penny sleeves. Most were empty, but some had ship diagrams inside them. The rules print out made it clear that is was a print and play copy of Imperial Crusade Armada, albeit without tokens. Space ship miniatures without miniatures? I'm game.

The packing peanuts obscured two more treasures. The first, a bootleg copy of Roger Corman's The Fantastic Four. This appears to be a B-movie masterpiece and the tale of tragedy on the back makes it even more compelling. Then Lost Cities, which ToS has informed me that a girlfriend would enjoy playing this assuming I wasn't a lonely piece of shit. You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me.

The largest was left for last, 'Carrier Strike!'! To all appearances this is a box of awesome, simple fun with some big ass carriers and lots of planes to kamikaze into them. This wasn't truly the last though, as buried within the peanuts was a tiny pewter Fozzie of Muppets fame. Lil dude now has a home above my monitor.

Thanks Satan, though it is worth noting that as I finish this post-mortem there is a strange rash forming on my left hand. Well fuck.

Carrier Stike was one of my favorite childhood games. Be VERY CAREFUL with the carries though as those conning towers will break off if you look at them the wrong way.

Comic Sans FTW!

Looks like the rules to Magic Realm.