What my SECRET SATAN sent me!

Allismom3, I just got a message from your SS:

Hay Barns- how do i mail package? Plz tell that guy that the POST OFFICE done fucked up and sent his copy of FUCKING REEF ENCOUNTER to Gray, LA by mistake. That's how they get U. I think they thought it said FUCKING REEFER ENCOUNTER LOL He might have it after XMAS on the 27th, thx, SS

Josh Look wrote:

Space Ghost wrote:

Josh Look wrote: No porn, but I did get a used copy of Masters of the Universe in the mail today, which I most certainly didn't order.

which one? I might be willing to trade for it (how sad is that)

Live action one.

Oh...you mean movie, not boardgame (or rpg). Nevermind -- enjoy that little piece of cinematic perfection.

Michael Barnes wrote: Allismom3, I just got a message from your SS:

Hay Barns- how do i mail package? Plz tell that guy that the POST OFFICE done fucked up and sent his copy of FUCKING REEF ENCOUNTER to Gray, LA by mistake. That's how they get U. I think they thought it said FUCKING REEFER ENCOUNTER LOL He might have it after XMAS on the 27th, thx, SS

For Fucking Reef Encounter, I can wait.

Fuckin' nothing.....again

So last week I get home and I see a large package sitting on my stoop. No return address evident, it’s my first-ever Secret Satan package! I wait until the kids are in bed so I can open it without distraction and I heft it in my hand before cutting the tape. The weight feels…interesting, reminiscent of something from the Gamemaster series where the boxes are heavy while simultaneously being half empty. My mind starts racing, maybe I have a contrarian Satan who put in, oh, I don’t know, an incomplete Dreadnought Expansion for Space Crusade? A GW version of Fury of Dracula? Possibly topped off with some loose pieces like Heroscape or Heroclix singles or maybe some funky dice?

I finally open the box to find a note on top that reads,

May all of your wildest dreams come true.
Love, Your Secret Satan.

And underneath the note I find…oh you son of a bitch… Foreplay? A Hot Affair? I was bracing myself for something bad, but this was worse than I imagined. After the shock wears off, I realize that the worst thing about these two “games” is that they’re impossible to be enjoyed ironically. Oh, sure, reading the cards might seem funny for the first few, but after that you realize that these “games,” much like a Hello Kitty bondage mask, raise more questions than they answer. Has anyone ever bought one of these “games” as a non-gag gift? Do people seriously sit down with the intent of playing them through? If a couple’s relationship is bad enough to “need” one of these games, wouldn’t the act of trying to sit down and “play” one of them just make it worse? I was left with a feeling of existential queasiness, like if you sat down and read a dozen Chick Tracts in one sitting.

It also doesn’t help that the Foreplay art and cards makes me think of a dingy, smelly 1970’s suburban basement filled with sleazy swingers, whereas reading the cards in A Hot Affair is like being berated by drunken editors from Cosmopolitan and Maxim while they roughly grope you.

My favorite part was discovering that one of the four A Hot Affair decks was still in the shrink wrap. I could picture the couple sitting down to play for the first time and the man starts reading some of the cards as the woman opens all the decks. After he reads a few of them he puts his hand on her forearm to stop her from opening the fourth and final deck before simply saying, “That won’t be necessary. Do you want to go shopping?”

I didn’t know what I was going to do with them (other than recycling), but now I think my two brothers-in-law are about to get a couple of surprise gifts from an anonymous donor…

So thanks, Secret Satan, for showing me that there are much, much worse “games” than party games, trivia games, and the Scene It? series; and thank you for showing me the true meaning of this gift exchange.

And also, if I ever meet you in person, I will punch you in the dick.

andyinkuwait wrote: Fuckin' nothing.....again

You were my initial SS target; almost immediately after getting that, I got a PM'd correction with a new target. That target subsequently announced he got his SS package--before I had mailed it--so I'm thinking there was possibly an issue here.

But that's OK as I still have a box to send you [need your US mail drop if you still have it] and I can make up for it by adding some utterly random dross to it for that Satan effect. I still have some dreck that wouldn't fit in the box I sent my target

AHA! It was SebastianBludd who got the ex-wife sex games! Those were cherished and loved at some point by an ex-wife! YOU HIT THE JACKPOT!

Michael Barnes wrote: AHA! It was SebastianBludd who got the ex-wife sex games! Those were cherished and loved at some point by an ex-wife! YOU HIT THE JACKPOT!

Am I missing something? Am I the latest in a long line of saps to get the lovingly cherished ex-wife sex games? Am I breaking some sort of chain by taking them out of the F:AT loop and re-gifting them to my redneck brothers-in-law?

No, you're in possession of some rare items there. I mean, owned by an actual ex-wife? WOW.

As for regifting them, I think that's a little tacky.

Thanks for the story, 'Bludd. That was epic.

I suppose in return for me being triple Satan and covering at least one extra person last year, I apparently got double-teamed by Satan this year. The Halo Anniversary edition was in actuality kind of soul scarring, reminding me of all of the little things that got fixed in Halo 2.

In the midst of a bunch of other packages: (Including the Mistress of Demonic Cat's Tellurion...Ssh). There was this thing:

"What do you get the man who has everything? Satan says: Variations on a couple of themes! Redcoats being slaughtered by guys with spears! Card games! Wrestling!" Satan



Inside was a dozen little slices of evil. Satan actually did himself proud, getting a 75% success rate of stuff I didn't already have.




....and some surprisingly good stuff. I adore the Lightning series, but never got around to picking up Poland and Terror. Then there is some other DVG game which...I tend to really kind of hate. The roll up board is for Navia Dratp, which is actually a rather good game. And I have a lot of stuff for it, oddly enough

And then we get the stuff I already have:
Set: good game, and a Sandi favorite.
Vortex: Some extra flats. This is a GREAT game, probably my favorite of the CxG games.
Wrestleangel: This is a soul-searingly bad wrestling game themed around the races in Warangel. I figured no one but me and James/Sheila had copies of this. Now I have two. Satan is truly evil.

And then it gets really scary:



THREE different Roarke's Drift boardgames. I actually do have quote a few wargames, but none are about Roarke's Drift. Which is odd, because I've always been quite interested in the Zulu Wars. Which means: SATAN IS IN MY HEAD!!!!

And then. The horror. The "You are fucking kidding me."



I'm going to go cry in a corner now.

Satan's package arrived today! No, not his dick.

I opened it with fear and trepidation. The contents?

A starter of Clout Fantasy with 2 armies inside
Online Internet Card Game - this looks horrendous
Coup - A Steve Jackson game? Goddammit, Satan, that's just rude.
Shattered States - Looks like a 2-6 player game about apocalyptic America

And a Winsome games copy of Baltimore and Ohio! Since I'm a bit of a Euro snoot I'm excited to try that one out. I don't know much about it so I looked it up. Looks like a pretty heavy economic game. I've got just the guys to play it with. Should be awesome.

Satan, you were great. I feel bad for the poor slob that gets the box I sent out.

Wow...Frank's did better than I expected. Victoria Cross is a nice surprise, that's a really good one. You'll need like every D6 in the house though.

I forgot all about Navia Dratp.

Whoa, Clout Fantasy? OUCH.

Andy, I just got off the horn with your SS. He said:

Horgy borgy, yuck yuck yuck. Tellen dem Andy that hees pakudge shood be there soon. Keepen dem Barnes posted. Ooo la la.

(ends awful pan-European accent)

Dog, I think I know why you got confused. I sent Frank that "other" SS package just because he had asked after my review copy of Halo, which I just gave him. I figured I owe him for years of wearing out his Rock Band instruments and that time I spilled a beer.