Secret Satan 2012 Pics! Post 'Em Here!

I intentionally gave you just about the only SS that I thought could surprise you. I gotta see that last one, that sounds amazing...

Of course: Satan is the Harbinger of evil

La Citta is missing the rules, and the piece count seems off.

There is a copy of Beowulf, a Reiner Knizia game in the vein of Taj Mahal and his Lord of the Rings card games---which I hate.

And the copy of Stanrey? Missing the trees.

Satan is a bad, bad man.

So, with a sick mix of excitement & dred I see the mailman limping away from a package stuffed in the post box.[img]http://
I guess Canada Post wasn't a big fan of Crass International type delivery?...or it was a reg-ifted box, I'm going with the latter.

Handle with Tongs: Noted & obliged.

Cracking the tape I held my breath, not with the excited anticipation of a child on Christmas morn, but with dred at what horrors would assault my senses.

Interesting. I'm pretty sure that Elvis is smoking a chicken wing, but it's hard to timeline which one we have here. No Rhinestones, but a high collared leisure suit, Big ass hair but clean sideburns. Either way, Satan has a real knack for likeness & has obviously missed his calling.


Oh boy. Old School Wargame it says. The bag of dicks thing I find is a matter of taste, I've always been a bag of smashed up assholes kind of guy, I didn't get either. Fuck you cheapskate, next time, Dill flavoured would suffice.


Seriously, it's the box that just keeps on giving. Black Face, a Dodge Caliber & a Mushroom cloud? Seriously Satan, everything I could have wanted. The last minute pen scribbles clarifying that this is in fact a a script now has me convinced that my Secret satan is actually Michael Bay. Hoooray! This has got to hold some seriously terrible shit! This is the guy that produced Armageddon!!!


Oh fuck, it's a foreign film based on a book. It's too late to attempt redemption Bay, much too late for that.


...a Czech film? "....But the woman, though she must of course have realized that she was no longer beautiful, forgot that for the moment. There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless.".....Wait, it's a foreign Michael Bay "film"? about some pruny old bint contorting herself with pool exercises... Dude, this'll be a bigger piece of shit than the Island!


& the coup de gras....Fortress Europa...So wait. It's a foreign film about a wrinkly old contortionist twat reminiscing about 'the war'. Ouch, hopefully this turd is on your dime as it's almost as big a mess as Pearl Harbor.

Fallen wrote: Ouch

Ouch is right. Take it.

But know this too: your suffering is not over.*






*The other package was supposed to arrive at the same time, but a minion fucked it up. Just you wait.

Secret Satan wrote:

Fallen wrote: Ouch

Ouch is right. Take it.

But know this too: your suffering is not over.*






*The other package was supposed to arrive at the same time, but a minion fucked it up. Just you wait.

Fuck. Secret Satan really is Micheal Bay, even this farce has turned into a sequel.

With the twist at the end it could be M. Night Shamalamadingdong.

No pics yet, but I wanted you all to know Satan has visited such horrors on my house that I can barely type these words. Henceforth, we have two epochs--the everpresent Now--a shadowed miasma of woe. And the Before--a time of light and joy that shall not return.

A hefty box arrived a couple of days ago from my Secret Satan, and it contained a magical mix of awesome and horror.



Afrika Korps! It’s a classic AH hex & counter wargame about Rommel in North Africa. I guess this would be considered an ugly game by today’s standards, but I dig the old graphics. Apparently the game feels like a game of chess or go: very tight maneuver contest, where each side is waiting to jump on the one mistake by the other that will cost them the game. Satan knows me well, and so I think he is telling me: “You are a loser. Here is a game suitable for you.”

A shot of AK’s CRT and counters:



Also in the box were these small games:



Third and Long came out a couple of years ago, and POWER (modern warfare theme) is a recent release. Both seem to be abstract tactical games.

So far Satan has been going heavy on luckless tactical games. But lo! And behold:



Oh baby! This is an awesome gift, Satan! I love Talisman and what I like about this expansion is that it won’t take more table space. I already have the Reaper, so this is a perfect addition. Thanks!

BUT WAIT! There’s more:



Kaboom! I’m super happy to get this. Looking it over it will be a perfect game to play with my Dad or brother this xmas if we have bit of downtime away from the craziness.

AND STILL THERE’S MORE:



Hahaha! Too funny.

The bartender’s guide is freaking heavy. I swear that little book was the heaviest thing in the box. I can’t figure it out.

The Star Wars cookbook has things like “Dark Side Salsa” and “Yoda Soda” and “Wookie Cookies”. The illustrations all have little star wars figures.

The Shamwow is just weird. I remember those infomercials.

And what’s that pink tube you see there? Well…



Yes, a tube of “100% Pure Estrus Urine” that “Arouses Sex Drive and Lures Big Bucks”. Apparently people smear this stuff all over themselves and spend the day hanging out in the woods in that condition.

DID YOU HEAR ME? Big hairy men who basted and buttered themselves with vaginal discharge from a tube.

But as nasty as that is, I still think gamer funk is probably worse. What do you think? We need a Trashdome! Estrus Urine vs Gamer Funk

Thanks so much Satan, you evil bastard!

Alas...a parcel arrived from the closest place to hell I have ever been....DULUTH, GEORGIA.



And as I opened it, gingerly, I found that concentrated demon jizz was floating atop the sea of EEEEVIL! EEEEEVIL! that was in the box...




First to meet my eyes was....A CMG!!! NO!!!!!!!!! WHAT FIEND WOULD SEND AN COMPLETIST BASTARD LIKE ME ~THIS~??? EEEEVIL!!!!!



And underneath? A CD of "MUSIC FOR THE END OF THE WORLD". Knowing The Most Unclean would test my resolve, I played it backwards to unleash its secrets. I was met by the haggard voice of Bob Dylan RECITING A PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED BARNESTORMING REVIEW OF MILCH + GHERKIN!!! YOU DIRE FIEND!!!!! My ears were squirting split pea soup even before "elegant" and "pedantic" were said!!! HEARTLESS!!!!



Oh, you bastard. I quit my nicotine habit a year ago, on the 20th, and here I am, ONE YEAR LATER, tempted by The Deciever by a game that will TEMPT MY RESOLVE EVERY DAMNED TIME!! It's even MY BRAND!!!! YOU FOUL BEAST!!!! EEEEEVIIL!!!!



But....what's this...? FIEND! The timing is such that my petrified schlong will not be able to release! HOW DID HE KNOW THAT AUNT FLO WAS IN TOWN!?!! FIIIIEEEEENDDD!!!! As they say, the difference between "a light" and "a hard" is that you can sleep with a light on. So, I haven't slept in 72 hours. EEEEEVIIIL!!!!





Seriously, you made my day, Secret Deluthian Satan. I love it all, even the oversized pack of smokes that will invariably get me smoking again, with resultant emphysema and chronic bronchitis. I'll light up a ceremonial smoke every time I play Battles Beyond Space.

And your plan worked, I am now watching Ebay for both the Havok tank unit and the Banshee unit. So far, the Banshee is only available from one seller. It shall be mine, oh yes.

You're the best!!!

moofrank wrote: Battle of Stanrey. Wow. Just Wow. I've wanted a copy for YEARS, and I think Sheila translated it awhile back. This is a Gundam-ish wargame in Japanese with NICE 3D metal mechs and tree terrain. The LOS rules involve a set of tiny periscopes that you use to get an eye level view. It is all tiny and totally Japanese.

So since it's Japanese, are we to assume that someone named Stanley is involved in a battle?

SuperflyTNT wrote: And your plan worked, I am now watching Ebay for both the Havok tank unit and the Banshee unit. So far, the Banshee is only available from one seller. It shall be mine, oh yes.

I shall snipe thee at the last second!

Doe estrus...now THAT's deserving of the cone-and-50 meter exclusion zone approach....

To me, Secret Satan is a time of both unbridled joy and amazing fuckery, and boy did my SS step up to the plate. I got two big boxes from someone who is a fucking champion at confusing me! Most of the stuff I don't know if I got a hook up or screwed with something horrible, likely both!
(sorry for the lack of photos)

First box was just crammed full of shit...

First up was a "Stocking Full of Games" which is some straight up dollar store PC game collection. BUT we're going to regift it to my grandmother who will actually dig on at least one of those jams!

A bunch of LotR TCG cards. Is this bad? Is this good? I don't even know, BUT I am stoked on it! I have a bunch more cards already but still have yet to settle in to the rules.

Chez Geek NEW IN SHRINK! Clearly the pick of the litter here, IT'S FUCKING AWARD WINNING!

A single deck for HACK! So I guess I need to get another one if I want to enjoy all the laughs as I adventure along with the KNIGHTS OF THE MOTHERFUCKING DINNER TABLE!

There is a mini CD that I don't fully understand and likely never will cause what the fuck actually plays mini CDs? BUT it's LIMITED FUCKING EDITION OF ONLY 10,000!

Pojo's Unofficial Total Magic the Gathering Special 10th Anniversary Book is one I'm guess was supposed to be bad? BUT I don't give a fuck and enjoyed reading most of it. That's right, I can't keep up with all the proper books I have on my stack but I spent almost two hours reading nerds talk about the power nine!

Random issue of Fangoria - I hope this wasn't supposed to be a good thing cause that is so far from my scene I would have been better served with a copy of Cat Fancy.

The D&D mini backpack was a nice touch, BUT did you really think I don't already have five of them?!?

Gizmo's Great Escape - the only one I've played so far and hot fuck is it bad! BUT it comes with some awesome Gremlin and Gizmo minis so I'm stoked. Totally going to make my next RPG dude Gizmo so I can use the mini.

And in a stroke of Satan genius, this package wraps up with a Flight of the Concords DVD. I've never seen it and keep hearing great stuff so I'm stoked. BUT it's the SECOND SEASON! So now I have to go figure out how to watch the first. Truly a masterful gift of both joy and fuckery.

I settled in and thought I was safe for the season, but then a SECOND BOX shows up? The fuck?

It has a fuck ton of Rolled Bones, some weird dice game with all these custom dice. You put them in a sack and draw them. It's like some weird proto-Quarriors. It likely sucks BUT I love dice so I'm looking forward to trying it.

There was a small photo of Goofy. I think it may have just been part of the packing material, but Goofy is pretty cool so I pulled it out.

The Castle of the Devil is a game that I have been interested in for a while. I have no idea if it actually works well, but I am way into what it's doing in theory. Thanks!

Daemonihus actually makes me really happy. I'd never even heard of it before but it looks like some Italian fantasy dungeon adventure game. The blurb on the back in English is very poorly translated so once again, I get what looks like a rad game with a kick in the nuts rulebook. SS you are a master!

Finally, I got a peppermint pig. It's this little candy pig you hit with a hammer and he explodes into tasty bits. It's a classic holiday thing in upstate NY but I haven't seen one in years. My guess? It's full of poison.

So thanks and fuck you Secret Satan.

ATTENTION MOOOOOOOO FRAAAAANK


Satan sez: The human I've possessed was fairly concerned about La Citta. Please do check under the tray for the rules and report back about the piece count. That game *should* have been complete. (While it's possible that the rules got mislaid or perhaps beersoaked and destroyed at some point, all the parts should have been there.)

Now, that Stanrey thing without the trees? Yea, that was a straight-up horrible taunt on my part. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. However, this weak, sorry-ass human insists I point out that he has copies of the Stanrey and Kalnock Dougram games but only 1 (nearly complete) set of trees between the 2 (which did help on the price paid, ultimately). He was planning on making a mold of a tree and casting his own to fill out the sets. He'd be happy to send you a mold so you can run your own set; particularly if you've got a decent translation of the rules as the english booklet that comes with the game is more of a collection of vague guidelines rather than rules.

And now, SATAN makes a demand: "Since you didn't mention it, you're now REQUIRED to post an AAR of that gem of strategy combat gaming: SUMO ARENA!"

QPCloudy wrote: With the twist at the end it could be M. Night Shamalamadingdong.

Listen Linus, I'm starting to wonder if you had a hand in this. Trying to deflect onto Mr M. Night is just too obvious a move. Looks like you, Michael Bay & some Canadian (with working knowledge of Boxing day) are in cahoots. The Jig is up, your ruse un-amusing.