Secret Satan 2012 Pics! Post 'Em Here!

Ok, that and the small photo of Goofy are my picks for best of SS 2013.

Worst is the Liefied book and Spellfire.

Is that Dom Deluise on the throne next to Jerry Lewis?

Dear Satan,
Why hast thou forsaken me? I promise to be more evil in the coming year.

The package arrived around 1pm on the 24th. I always knew Satan was from North Carolina. The box was covered in palindromes: “Go hang a Salami, I’m a lasgna hog”, “Ah, Satan sees Natasha.”, “No Devil lived on!”, “Rats live on no evil star”, “Too hot to hoot!”, “May a moody baby doom a yam!”, “Pa’s a sap”, “Ma is as selfless as I am”, and the more mundane “racecar”.

Inside, a note:



Into the breach.



Digging through the first layer, the warning about dog crap on the outside of the box proved to be no joke as I discovered Kackel Dackel, or Doggie Doo, or whatever you want to call the game about helping your constipated Dachshund take a deuce on the neighbor’s lawn.



Satan knows I am a man of letters, so he provided me with reading material. The next items to emerge were four Transformers choose your own adventure-style books and Affenbande, an opportunity to put to use my waning German reading skills. In a cruel twist, Transformers is a little before my time; the characters and the setting have no meaning for me!



Behold! Star Wars Episode 1: Clash of the Lightsabers Card Game! Qui-Gon’s lightsaber is the curviest I have ever seen, but it is for my eyes alone. The picture will not show it. Another choose your own adventure book, this time with a fantasy setting.



What’s this? A box of Lord of the Rings: The CCG?

Nope.



It’s Tomb Raider and Star Trek: The Next Generation: The CCG: FU.

I blacked out at this point, but from what I can piece together, the package also contained even more Tomb Raider and ST:TNG cards, five M:TG cards, an assortment of Netrunner cards, two cards from UNO, a D&D Minis card, six Nintendo Game Boy cards with hot tips for various games, a dice set, two video game cards of some type, and Miserian Wars: The Medieval Political Power Struggle Board Game. Additionally, as if to twist the knife, the package contained Sim City CCG and Decipher Star Wars CCG cards, two games that I believed myself free of after the Great CCG Cleansing of 2008. Edit: And a used container of Play-Doh, and a Jumanji trading card. Sweet jesus. Edit 2: And a Marvel Overpower card. And some kind of token.



There is nothing left to do but pick up the pieces and carry on.

The playdough is actually a specially made blend made as a "more gritty brown realism" expansion for the dog game.

Wish you were here,
-Satan

Michael Barnes wrote: Ok, that and the small photo of Goofy are my picks for best of SS 2013.

Worst is the Liefied book and Spellfire.

Oh you just wait for what I've got to post in a few minutes. It's pretty spectacular.

I was a little worried that I wasn't going to hear from Satan before Xmas; but, at 3.45pm Xmas Eve, my postman rang the bell and dropped a box on my porch before scurrying back to his truck.

The box sounded like a brick when it hit. Weighed about as much too, so Satan's first gift was a big FUCK YOU to the USPS and their "If it fits, it ships" flat rate scam as this box easily clocked in at 15 pounds, if not more. So, I already knew that my CT-based Satan was out for blood and thus I was in for some trouble.

I crack open the box and see this:


Yea, I know better. So, with some trepidation, I crack it open to find



A billion crushed styronuts and 5 items.

First up, the exciting tale (err, tail?) of Showgirls by Day, Commandos by Night! in classic VHS:



Next up, a selection of light reading:



That would be a decade-old WH40k Eldar codex and a D&D Choose Your Own Adventure book [which I dig--and it would appear that Satan didn't even rip out the ending pages, which seems really out of character for Old Scratch]

The box closes out with:



That would be a slightly waterlogged D&D movie novelization [eeew] and a copy of Valley Games' Bugs. For those who might think "Hey, that's a brand new game there", understand that Satan went subtle here. Regardless of the game's quality, it requires a minimum of 3 (and plays 3-9). Those who know even a little about me just from reading my yapping on gaming-related sites would know that the number of times I get together more than 1 other person for face-to-face non-consim gaming is roughly 3 times per decade. Now *that's* an artful move by Satan.

Now, one might ask, if that's what was in box 1, why the hell was the shipping box a potential OSHA hazard for my postal carrier?

Ah, grasshoppers, this is where Satan looked into the darkest recesses of my soul and came up with a truly brilliant gift--I'm just not entirely sure what it is.

So, I'm opening the list up to suggestions. First up, the contents;




In box #2, I found 2 little battery-operated light-up skulls (that still work and are fabulous), a VW Bug squeaky toy and a pile of Office Scandal and PowerMage54 cards used to cushion the true treasure: 10 pounds of ashes straight from hell.

Now because Satan has identified the source of this ash as coming from CT, there are a variety of truly beautiful options here. Here are my guesses:

Could these ashes be...:

1)...the smoldering remnants of Loter's teaching career?
2)...Hell's own distillation of Al & Uba's Joys of Homeownership?
3)...the nerdrage-ravaged remains of Z-Man Zev's voice- and e-mail inbox dating from the "Duel in the Dark: Warp-tastic Toxic Mold Edition" affair?
4)...Repoman's hopes and dreams for America after the recent election cycle?
5)...Josh's credibility after one too many F:At Podcasts?

Or maybe the Connecticut return-address was a double-blind and it's more about the copy of Bugs. Could I have here, in my hands [and all over my carpet thanks to the box leaking shit everywhere on the slightest touch], all that now remains of Valley Games? If so, this might be the most collectible VG item ever thanks to being the ONLY thing never to go 4 rounds on Tanga. Or is it just a tiny sweeping of one of their many and sundry fire sales?

I'd truly treasure any of those things, but I just can't be sure. What do YOU think? (Choose Your Own Adventure edition: turn to p. 68 if you have an entertaining answer; turn to p. 72 if you have a cruel answer; if you're an overly sensitive soul who can't see through the schadenfreude to the bloody joke, just close the browser and walk away from this post--THE END.)

Honestly, thanks Satan--after a day full of frantic (but quite fun) toddler and general family ups and downs, this gift provided a most-appreciated opportunity to see wife and child off to dreamland, pour a little somethin' to get good and high and then revel in the many shades of dreck before composing a ridiculously fun post like this. Kind of made my night all in all (though the screw-you to the USPS' Flat Rate scheme did warm my heart as that's been a hate-fest hobbyhorse of mine dating back to my days as an active Ebay seller).

Have a Merry Xmas (and may your pet puke in your favorite shoes) ya nameless bastard.

Dungeons and Dragons The Movie The Book? By the gods this truly is from the ninth level of hell. Cast it all in a pit and pour holy water.

These Satan reports are as horrifying as they are awesome.

Christmas Eve. I get a call from the neighbor who's informed me that there is a package at my door. Her dog alerted her, and had continued his vigil the 2 days I was away. It sat on the porch festering & she dared not approach. I told her it was a gift from Micheal Bay, she likes Micheal Bay, got over her trepidation and against her better judgement, invited it into her home. It dined & supped like a gracious guest, and once all had fallen to bed, it changed. And stalked. Then devoured. I got home and found the bloated carcass half in/half out of the dog door too fat to fit, and still, somehow starved?
Here it is, not for the faint of heart.





The bride took one look as I dragged the corpse of a package in the door & flopped it onto the counter. I took the our sharpest knife and started a necropsy to see what this foul beast had ingested.





The stench was foul enough to curdle the brides milk, we were forced to take the wee lad to the clinic for a round of electrolytes while we waited for his milk to cycle through. I put them up in a hotel for the night so I could finish the foul deed & report back to you. Opening the door, I found a note plastered inside the muck of it. This is how it read:





I peeled away the flesh of the beast to find the horror of horrors.......
I find myself sitting in the basement, cold, dark. Flitting between sanity, hysteria & sheer madness like a hummingbird. I've been rocking back & forth on the balls of my feet for countless hours, maybe days judging by the blood pooling around me, I'm whispering into the pool of darkness cradeled in my arms, words tumbling from my chapped & quivering lips: "Shrinked Imperial 2030, Shrinked Imperial 2030, Shrinked Imperi..."

SS gifted you one of the best games ever? What a softie! You must have been brown-nosing His Infernal Majesty all year or something.

My package arrived yesterday and it far exceeded my already-low expectations (especially after getting those godforsaken "romantic" games last year). I need a few days to take some notes and write something up; my SS really went above and beyond and I want to give their package the treatment it deserves.

I got mine the other day. A bunch of wrapped, numbered packages which are supposed to be revealed as I play Miserian Wars, as well as a box labeled "Do no open ever." Which I, of course, did. Inside was a copy of Battleball, some old B-monster flicks, and an old pulp novel.

I'll report back once I open the other packages.

Michael Barnes wrote: SS gifted you one of the best games ever? What a softie! You must have been brown-nosing His Infernal Majesty all year or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that I've never heard of it, and even more so when the bride knew of it. She's pretty chuffed, spoiled milk or no. As soon as we're settled back into a (semi)regular routine she's promised you all to "school him proper" which, as it is, is kind of an aphrodisiac in it's own right. That alone is worth the thanks to his Beelzebubness, the game is extra icing on that cake.

Imperial, either version, would be on my top five list. Awesome game and great score.