Secret Satan 2015 Results! Post them here!

Rliyen wrote: On a blustery Christmas Eve, I returned home to see a large box seated outside my door. I wondered what it could be, as I thought my wife and I had finished all our online shopping. As I approached, the wafting smell of brimstone assaulted my nostrils. Checking the address listing, it came from Pittsburgh, PA. I didn’t know that Pittsburgh had a portal to mephitic pits of Hades, but now I knew better.

Who is this mysterious Pittsburgh F:ATtie? Find me!

DukeofChutney wrote: I got home from my parents to find a package at my door. I had geared up and prepared myself for Satan's missive. I then opened the package to remember I had bought a copy of Eastfront of Ebay. Oh well.

Listen, Chutney -- Satan doesn't play by your Earthly rules of "time" (not even the British ones). It's coming.

Your pal Old Scratch (or one of his worthless minions, rather) popped over to the post office last week and dropped off your package (I bet you didn't even notice your package was missing, did you?) to fly over to the worthless speck that was the seat of power for a once great Empire. Do you know how many ducats Ba'al Zabul had to pay to get you a "gift"? I just had my follower pry out a couple of his gold teeth and call it even. Although, if you lived in a civilized country like New Jersey, you would have gotten even more crap just to weigh it down and make the Royal Mail carrier curse my greatest enemy (yup, it's Moya Greene).

You know what those quasi-governmental agency representatives told Shaitan? Crap like "we can't track it once it leaves Canada" and "it should be there in about two or three weeks." Well, rest assured that they'll be smelling sulfur when they shuffle off this mortal coil.

Has Lucifer made mistakes? Sure, I could have gotten it done a little earlier, but I'm busy. I've got a lot of projects, like making racists say "Well, ACTUALLY, don't ALL lives matter?" and helping Hillary Clinton keep Bernie Sanders out of the news. Hey, by the way, doesn't "Bernie" sound a lot like "Benghazi"?

Anyway, when you open the rather unassuming box, make sure you're wearing that Jet Jaguar costume. Not that it will provide any protection, I just like the way it makes your ass look.

Remember Satan, The Empire always strikes back.

As expected, IE ate my masterfully crafted and humorous post about the Secret Satan unboxing. So you are only getting the pictures and can make up a story on your own.





Gift receipts for things not in the package. Typical Satan.




According to one person on BGG, this is a good game. Time will tell.




This is what a box full of lies looks like.


Cube Quest playmats and an incomplete expansion for a game that I do not have,


To be continued......

More contents from the Big Box of Lies:

The Dragon Ball Z boxes are in the shrink wrap. That is a positive.


In a fit of poetic justice, an angel was cast out of Satan's pit. And who buys CDs anymore?


Dungeonville and Star Viking??


The Tom & Jerry cart is nice touch, Satan.


I think all the pieces for Oceania are in the box somewhere.





A packet of misprints from Mansions of Madness? Satan, you are tres diabolique!.


It is certainly going to take me a little while to sift through this trove of dirt and slime to get to the gold, pyrite at least, that is certain to be there.

I look forward to next year.

Make sure you download the 2.0 version of the rules for Prince of Chaos. They supposedly streamline the game.

www.dropbox.com/s/a21sr0t2v9e78qv/prince%20of%20chaos.zip?dl=0

A review from that other site:

Is it me, or is "depth" in wargames all too often equated with "realism"? Now, I don’t mind realism at all, but what about unrealistic settings? Can fantasy or sci-fi wargames be deep? One doesn’t need to look further than, say, Freedom in the Galaxy to say "Hell, yeah!", but still games like this seem to be more an exception than the rule. That’s because complex wargames are primarily the choice of history buffs, and with them "chrome" is the name of the game. But how about a wargame that is insanely deep, feels truly "realistic" despite being profoundly ahistorical and for that very reason has no chrome whatsoever, but includes all the mechanics it has for one and only purpose - fun? Because when you have nothing in particular to simulate that’s your only concern. And so fun is what Prince of Chaos is all about.

It may not look like it when you are examining the box, but Prince of Chaos is a pretty heavy game. Forty-something-page rulebook is a convincing testimony to that. But if you’re a wargamer and reading something like this doesn’t turn you off, than this is nothing but good news for you. Imagine a rulebook where every little detail is out there to let you have fun - and not to fill it with exceptions for the sake of historical accuracy alone. Don’t get me wrong, the exceptions are there, but each and every one of them makes so much sense, that you can hardly think of them as exceptions. You’re asked to remember that, when your archers shoot an enemy who is already involved in melee combat with your own infantry, they hit both the enemy army and your own? Well, duh! But, then, friendly fire doesn’t apply when shooting an enemy at point blank. Does anyone need to read the rulebook twice to remember something like this?

The great thing about Prince of Chaos is that it’s a strategic and tactical game at the same time. Actually, more tactical, since you have to worry about such minute details as your archers’ ammunition (shoot once - strike out one arrow marker, no need to fret about "bookkeeping") and your cavalry maintaining momentum before striking an enemy. But the strategy is still there. You have resources and a number of ways to obtain them (do you want to capture mana-and-gold-bringing Chaos Gates? But you could well get killed in the process because you’re not the only one after them. Or do you concentrate on building mines and temples?), you can purchase new units and heal existing ones, you can explore the realm in search of treasures and later build roads or traps in explored areas. You have a lot to worry about and an insane number of things to balance on both the tactical and strategic levels.

Situation. Your opponent is making a staggering amount of money every turn by having a mine on a hill with one of his leaders inside it. Do you want to take the mine out by committing a large force to doing it? Or do you let him be and concentrate on increasing your own resource base? Let’s say, you send a couple of armies to the mine. But your opponent outsmarted you and is now threatening to strike from behind (and, the game being largely tactical, your losses will be much greater this way). Do you carry on and destroy the mine at the cost of losing some of your units (whom you will have to replace by using precious resources later), or do you abort the mission and confront the enemy force to your rear? Of course, any good wargame forces you to constantly make agonizing choices. This one simply adds to the fun by forcing you to make those choices on two levels: sometimes you literally have to choose between replenishing your archers’ depleted ammo (the archers are obviously vulnerable without it but happen to be extremely valuable because they had gained a lot of combat experience and now, when put on a hill, are a fearsome force, even if alone) and launching an offensive campaign against your opponent’s Chaos Gate - because for the campaign you need to send most of your units currently guarding the gate, and that will leave the archers even more vulnerable - while resupplying, they can’t defend well, and, if interrupted by the enemy, will have to start all over.

It’s amazing how Prince of Chaos, having so many different mechanics (combat, movement, terrain effects, economy, magic, artifacts etc.) avoids being "fiddly". You always have a ton of options, but you never feel overwhelmed. Having four-five counters on the field means you command a huge army in game terms. Stacking is something that virtually never happens - the game all but prohibits it, making your troops lose their offensive and defensive capabilities when in a stack. So, few units - lots of options - is Prince of Chaos’s recipe for keeping you engaged but headache-free.

Furthermore, the number of options you have (and believe me when I say you really do have plenty) never feels excessive. In fact, it’s just right. The way every mechanic can counter another but will lose out to another still is quite remarkable. Your archers are fast and shoot far, but if engaged in melee - can’t shoot at all. Good thing your mage, then, protects them from a distance (most spells have an unlimited range). If enemy infantry wants to approach them from the cover of the forest, they risk being obliterated by a fireball. So, then, the enemy decides to take out the mage by using super-fast light cavalry - the mage is all but defenseless if forced to fight. Only one problem, your captain (one of the leader units) had set a trap on the way to the mage’s position - one careless move, and the cavalry never reaches its target.

This cross-balancing works in even more interesting ways when it comes to company units versus individuals. Company units are your main striking force. They are much stronger and harder to kill. But the goal of the game is to eliminate the enemy prince (no victory points here; this war is to the last drop of blood!) - an individual unit. And, what do you know, company units can’t do that. In fact, only your own prince and the captain can. So while company units war between each other and weaken the princes (armies can wound princes, just not kill them), you carefully position your leader in such a way as to deliver the final strike and not get him killed in the process. This prince positioning business becomes even more interesting when you take into account the Mourn Stone - put smack in the middle of the game board. The Stone gives you mana (very valuable), protects the prince (somewhat) and gives you a chance to get access to very powerful artifacts and spells (if you’re willing to stand still on the Mourn Stone while casting a spell for three turns and keep all the enemies away, because, if the prince is wounded, your three turns are wasted and you have to start all over). So, again, choices and more choices. Go for the Mourn Stone? And make your prince a target for everyone around? Or stay away in the safety? And what if, while you’re waiting, the enemy prince dashes for the Stone? Ah, you just have to love it...

More good news? The game has virtually no downtime. Seriously. Especially if you play with the expert rules (which is really the way to play). Forget all the horrors you heard about "bookkeeping". In a four-player game you’ll barely have time to notice it (you’ll actually wish your opponents took longer to keep their records, because almost all the bookkeeping is done simultaneously by all players, meaning you won’t have the luxury to think while the opponents are busy on their turn). Prince of Chaos with expert rules is actually as close to real-time strategy as a board game can possibly get. Units move from fastest to slowest, making one move (and expending only a small portion of their total movement points) at a time. So, you move your cavalry north - your opponent moves his south. You move northwest, he turns southwest. By the third move you can be pretty sure he intends to intercept you. So you have a chance to react right then and there. Plus combat can be initiated at any point - even by those units who are not fast enough to move during the ongoing phase.

Prince of Chaos makes another dream of those longing for "realism" come true - the game has no dice. Not a single one. The result of every encounter is pre-determined. The catch is you’ll never know what exactly is predetermined to happen. Two reasons for this. First, the game encourages you to limit the time to make decisions, and this really makes sense. So, within the few minutes that you have, you won’t be able to assess the influence of every factor for several possible alternative courses of action: unit’s current damage, fatigue, terrain effects, flanking effects, experience, formation, blessings, curses and god knows what else (again, relax! When the time comes to actually calculate the effects of all these factors during combat resolution, it will take you 30 seconds per unit, I promise). But even if you chose to forego the time-limitation rule, most of your opponents’ characteristics are hidden from you. So think all you want, you’ll never know for sure what’s going to happen (even if you spend A LOT of time studying the units - too many variables). But! You’ll always have a pretty good idea of what is likely to happen. And that’s all that’s required. Seriously, you can’t expect to go into battle knowing precisely how it will go. But, as a good commander, you’ll know what the odds are. In fact, you’ll know the odds much better compared to having to roll dice.

A final touch of genius - the board. Once again, thank god we’re not simulating anything. Because this way the board can be anything, too. So - it’s modular. And this means variety. And more variety. Every time I get to lay out those tiles randomly on the table, I can hardly contain my excitement. "Wow, the tile I just put turns out to be a hill, and right opposite that guy’s Chaos Gate. He’ll be able to build a very productive mine right away, I’ll need to do something about it early on. Oh, look, I was worried too soon - his access to the Mourn Stone is blocked by forest on all sides... Damn it, turns out I’ll have to go through a swamp to get there, too." And that’s before the game even begins! Plus, whatever the layout happens to be, it makes me want to play the next game already, too. Because next time it will be so different, that, even with the same prince (and they’re all hugely different), I’ll have to come up with a completely different strategy.

And two words about component quality. Thick and beautiful. In fact, very thick and very beautiful. You want to touch them and look at them at the same time.

Do I have any problems with the game? Barely any. Bookkeeping, while very simple and fast, can get a bit annoying technically, since you have to record everything on your record sheet. And that means a lot of erasing and re-erasing. The theme is not well-developed. So, in terms of tactics, the Prince of Chaos feels like your something-medieval wargame with a dose of magic added to spice things up. But since it doesn’t simulate anything in particular, a lot of the time it feels pretty abstract. Which is in no way a bad thing here. Just looks like a bit of a wasted opportunity. The story on the back of the box about the triumph of chaos over order and the feuds between princes of chaos sound pretty interesting. And, from the story, it seems you’re supposed to be playing real badasses. Too bad you never really feel that way.

Bottom line - it actually hurts me how little the world knows about Prince of Chaos. How few people are even aware of it. It hurts me because it upsets my sense of justice in the universe and because it decreases the odds of Peregrine Games releasing an expansion or a new game in the same universe. And I want that to happen. And after you’ve played Prince of Chaos - so will you.

Star Viking, War for Edadh, Dark Horse comics and an R Kelly Album, this is an awesome box!

Alas this year I was unable
To draft on my bone table,
The thoughtful notes and letters de riguer
When sending a package flying
--FedEx folks nearly dying--
Postage paid, no worries, rest assured.

Instead I pen this light verse,
A doggeral, really (could be worse!)
Explaining why I am so late to send.
You see, with demons delightedly a-flaying
My sleigh dogs yelping, barking, braying,
I sped too quickly round Hell's left bend.

Normally I can take that thing at speed,
Precautions, forget em, take no heed,
Blue-sparking that curve with great style.
But your packaged weight assailed
And the back end a-fishtail'd
And we sailed off into that vast defile.

Took about five weeks crawling out
Stamping on familiars lean and stout
(Stout ones are the grossest, alack).
I finally made it to the top,
Bade the FedEx truck to stop,
Loading your monstrosity in the back.

And so it wends its way to you,
Ohio bound, "Monday" they say, "Adieu!"
So I return to my infernal flames
To mend my ragged helldogs
and wait for the applause,
When my gifts arrive for hotseatgames.

I eagerly await seeing just how much I feel like applauding.

I believe that R. Kelly's inclusion was Satan saying "Piss on you!"

Hello whats this?



Wait Wut?



NO NO

Here's an extract from a recent email from my landlord "You have been in the flat for about two weeks and it is a disgrace, please clean it up and keep it clean as you deposit is at risk."

Surely Satan is not both from the USA and my Landlord! What devilry is this!



I delve into the box. A game development disk dating from 2005. It smells of viruses!



A CD, of Christmas carols. I love carols, but wait, this 'substance' looks familiar.

Fear not I have a solution!



sort of clean, the D10s might be worth saving too.



Ahh the true loot. Satan knows how to strike fear, but also pays out in Ameritrash bullion.



Or better yet, pure Ameritrash GOLD!


Thanks Satan

Edit also there were necomonicon sweets and a small card game in the bottom!

Well, Satan wasn't timely, but he was quite generous! Yesterday my bounty was finally delivered to my door. I immediately noticed its odd shape and significant weight.


Opening the box revealed the explanation for the odd shape; Satan had sent me an iMac. He knows his stuff. Professor Meowington was getting suspicious.


Satan had done quite a job tetrising all this stuff in that box.


We've got 4 Gamecube games, and of course Satan knew I had long ago sold my Gamecube to finance the original Xbox. Baldur's Gate is still in shrink. Satan doesn't like action RPGs. There's also 4 comics that all look great, and a strategy guide for Eternal Darkness that proclaims itself as an "Incredible Value!" Also, I specifically rotated these in imgur and this forum still ignores it. :| I give up.


Next up, two books, both of which look great. And one of which is written by a FAttie!


Some assorted games.... an interesting looking golf game involving cards, dice and pegs, called CribbGolf. How is that one? A World Cup soccer card game, which I'm SURE is just like playing soccer, a bunch of blue Magic cards, a card game called Aerial Assault which involves building a robot, I think, and some real time card game called Light Speed.


Finally, the best parts... 4 proper board games. A 1972 game called Dealer's Choice, about selling used cars. I was actually going to give this a play today, but it requires at least 3 players and I only had 2. Phantom Leader, which is not something I ever would have considered before, but after looking at it, it seems like it might be really cool. Road Kill Rally, which is unpunched. That's a cool game, but it can wear out its welcome. And last but not least, an early version of Game of Thrones.


Thanks a lot, Satan! You have bestowed upon me a greater bounty than ever before!

Good haul!

I spy a Bill Sienkiewicz-art Elektra:Assassin in the comics stack. Still one of my favorite mini-series.

By the way, Aerial Assault was co designed by our very own Fattie Kingput and his Spawn.