How's the DATING thing working for ya?

Gregarius wrote: I've gained a lot from lurking this thread (it didn't feel right to use the word "enjoyed"), and I really appreciate everyone's willingness to share.

My marriage is in a very rocky place, and divorce looks likely. This is the first time I've expressed that thought "out loud." I'm having trouble accepting it, but at the same time I kind of fantasize about it. I'm resistant to change, but we're both fairly miserable in our current state. I can't decide if the right course is to work through it or just go our separate ways. My wife is finally seeing a therapist, and I'm more than willing to join her when the time is right.

Anyway, it's interesting to me to read about your dating concerns. For me, if we do get divorced, I would very much enjoy just being alone for at least a year. My worry is that I would prefer being alone too much, which might end up being a bad thing.

I wouldn't wait. Go see a marriage counselor if you can. If your marriage is going to work, it'll get there through you guys going to a counselor you both trust. If it won't (like mine), you guys will be much better off for having done counseling and knowing you 100% saw the marriage to its conclusion. After the first month or so of being separated, I have literally never had a second thought about if divorce was right---largely because we went through counseling and worked on it first and it still didn't work.

Also, nothing wrong with being alone, but I think you're going to be very surprised by your intense feelings of loneliness if you actually get divorced.

I should probably clarify both the counseling and alone statements.

We have found a counselor we like, but she wants to work with my wife for a while before bringing me into the mix. I'm far from blameless, but my wife has other issues she needs to deal with before we can make headway on *our* issues together.

As for being alone, I really just meant in the relationship sense. I have plenty of friends that I would finally be able to spend *more* time with, while still having the option to just chill out alone at home. It's more of a selfishness thing: I'd love the freedom to watch whatever movie I want, play a video game if I want, or just go out if I want.

Thanks for the support, guys.

Gregarius wrote: It's more of a selfishness thing: I'd love the freedom to watch whatever movie I want, play a video game if I want, or just go out if I want.

I don't see it as a complete selfishness thing. Some people need more alone time than others. If you feel like everything you do must be with your wife all the time, and you're never doing anything that you really want to be doing even if only by yourself, perhaps that's why the marriage is on the rocks right now. It could be as simple a change as "Thursday night is Gregarius night, I can do whatever I want. You can have Tuesdays." and work something out like that.

My wife and I would have been married for 20 years this fall, but cracks started appearing about 9 years ago. About 5 years ago I moved to the couch and over time started doing my own laundry and cooking. I had asked a number of times to go to counselling but she claimed she either didn't have the time nor we didn't have the money (it would have been covered with my benefits). We have two teens who have challenges themselves which of course makes things even more stressful.

A week after moving out, I met a friend of my roommates who I took a liking to. We've gone out a few times (never acknowledged as dates) and I've been over to her place a couple of times, to watch a Swedish detective show. She's never given any indication of interest in taking things further so I was reticent to try anything. She's currently on tour with a band for the next few weeks, so maybe I'll grow some cajones in the meantime and try to broach the subject when she returns?

Probably not.

Wow. That is Hard Times, Dr.