MICHAEL BARNES PROUDLY PRESENTS SECRET SATAN RIDES AGAIN 2022 - OFFICIAL UPDATE

Super...fly, Superfly, SUPERFLYPETE! Your reckoning approaches! Ol' Satan been saving up the past few years and now it's time for you to reap the "rewards." Unwanted gifts, closeout misfires, premium shelf toads ... hmmmmm, I'm getting a warm, fuzzy feeling inside just thinking about how it will soon be all yours. This kind of satanic benevolence doesn't just happen every year; CHERISH IT!

LMAO Closeout Misfires might be the name of my band.

Rappstar, prepare for your box o' pain. Random things from around the office. Specifically curated shelf toads. New update to the Flavours of Hell!

Why wait for Heaven, when Hell can be at your doorstep this Christmas?! It's thanks to SATANCORP!

SATAN HAS ARRIVED!

I was brave enough to open the package yesterday, and inside was a steamin' pile o' wrath from Krampus himself.

What did the Evil One curse me with?
-4 books, including a Mac OS book written by Robin Williams? Comedy gold, I'm sure.
-2 posters of words
-2 expansions to Cleopatra, a game I don't own
-1 accessory to the Switch, a game I don't own
-2 fingers for me to root for #1
-1 puzzle of luchadore masks
-1 folder full of recipes
-1 envelope full of dozens of Garbage Pail Kids stickers!
-3 games: Bad Guys, Embryo Machine, and Trump Cards (this last one was particularly cruel)
And the piece de resistance-- A knife rack in the form of a Roman soldier protecting himself from a volley of weapons. Pretty awesome!

Thank you and curse you, Satan!

PS-- I can't seem to add photos. Whenever I try to attach them, it won't let me submit. Is there a better way?
Edit: Added photos
photos.app.goo.gl/BDy8PrnDyybJGm317
photos.app.goo.gl/LeA6VBSbtY6bZncC6

Image attach is broken in the version of the forum software that the site can afford, and has been for some time. You can link them from some other site pretty easily.

Ohhhhhhh Drewcula. Your crotch will curdle at the demonic designs I have prepared for you. Beware, son, your life is about to change. You may need an exorcist. You may need a stripper. YOU MAY NEED BOTH.

Fair warning. I've been waiting 3 years to unfurl my wrath.

Forelle.

Hell's operators have maintained control over the United States Postal Service's holiday mailing rates and shipping times for as long as anyone can remember. Unfortunately, however, the "If It Fits, It Ships" dictum does not account for items with non-Eucliadian dimensions, so I have made alternate arrangements to deliver your annual pile of perdition.

Please whitelist "Sexy Krampus" on your home's automated turret defense system so we can avoid a sanguine nativity in your yard.

Yours,
Satan

Space Ghost,

As your little wizards leave school for winter break, my dropouts have mailed a box of coal to your Ivory Tower. If they followed my directions, it should be stinking up your office by Friday. Unless Hogwarts security intercepts it...

See you soon,
Satan

Virabhadra!

You have not been forgotten! My demons are assembling your foul assortment of punishments as we speak. The thought of your coming suffering fills them with malicious delight. The package may not take flight upon leather wings until next week, but do not despair. It will arrive in time, and then you have my permission to despair!

Satan

Secret Satan wrote: Space Ghost,

As your little wizards leave school for winter break, my dropouts have mailed a box of coal to your Ivory Tower. If they followed my directions, it should be stinking up your office by Friday. Unless Hogwarts security intercepts it...

See you soon,
Satan

Or they deliver it to some other schmuck's office and it sits there for a year.

Rappstar, a little ditty:

Here comes Satancorp. Here comes Satancorp.
Right down Satancorp Lane.
Mammon and Belial and all their lemures are bringing all the pain...
Bells are ringing, children screaming, all is scary with fright.
So arm your turrets and say your prayers,
Because Satancorp. comes tonight...

SATANCORP delivery received yesterday evening. I'd gotten missives on this message board from the org, so I was ready. I'd cleared out my recycling bins and garbage cans. I'd contacted Salvation Army and Goodwill to make sure they would be open during the usual hours. I'd gotten in touch with a local school where the kids always act shitty and walk slow when I'm trying to drive up to work to ask if they took donations. Everything was set for the delivery. And hell yes, SATANCORP did not disappoint. SATANCORP wrapped multiple packages in clearly labeled envelopes, each with a clue to the to-be-disposed of items. Sent along with a message written in Welsh that I googletranslated to read, "Here is some stuff, give it a sniff, and screw you." I love this season. Here's what they sent:

-a used ball cap from the Florida Marlin's 2003 World Series win - perfect for yours truly, the Yankee fan
-a bunch of candy, some of which might not be expired including a Chic-O-Stick, some non-red Twizzlers, a smashed up praline, and a bunch of blue lollipops
-a start to a DVD collection including Casper the Friendly Ghost, A Single Man, some "anime" called Monsuno, and a collection of old cartoons including Fleischer Superman. I'm going to make one of those YouTube microwaving CD videos with these!
-a necklace that looks like something you'd flash your boobs for in New Orleans
-a 1978 Japan Pro Fan Baseball Handbook - so close, I needed 1977
-a mug, shower cap, and notepad from the working desk of of Jones Wanker, er I mean Walker
-a Deep Sea Pinball game for the PC, will run perfect on my 386
-a bunch of games including The Oregon Trail Hunt For Food, Dark Matter, Exploding Kittens, Shark Island, a samurai one, an old Solo Ball baseball game, all of which are awesome, so awesome that I think I will be sharing them with others during next year's Secret Satan event
-And the serious hit for me, and I am not kidding in any way, a yellow construction vest. I am not joking, I'm going to hang this shit on my car window so I can park anywhere. Seems to work here in Chicago for everyone else.

Here's a link to the booty, and by booty, I mean the stuff that comes out of a booty:
photos.app.goo.gl/1z9v6SeULXNPRpk2A

Thanks for all of this SATANCORP, it was hilarious to read, receive, and put into hefty bags for storage.

Another successful Secret Satan round for the DRAPPSTAR household.

*This message not approved by SATANCORP.

I have been Satanificated. Crazy thing is that this package came from the street from where I spent a LOT of time with my wife, her aunt and uncles house. Odds are one in a billion.

Here goes. (Video to follow)

As promised, the Superfly Secret Satan 2022. With the amount of effort my demon put into this, this was the bare minimum of effort I feel they deserve to see expended in return.
Enjoy!

Sleeper hit with Tragedy Looper! Assuming all the cards are there...