Dating Site

I was chatting to an old friend I hadn't seen in years at my old man's 60's, and he was telling me that he joined a dating site on the internet and was scoring plenty of pootang on it. So I thought I'd sign up too.

Problem is I can't be fucked writing the bullshit intro and profile. You guys always look bored, someone write me one.

Be *sure* to mention the boardgames.

Be careful on those...I've heard most of the women with pictures that make them appear to be hot are actually land monsters in real life.

I met my current girlfriend online nearly five years ago. And before that, I did a lot of blind dates back in the '90s. Many of the women that I met were decent-looking, say in the 6-8 range on a scale of 1-10. There used to be somewhat of a stigma attached to blind dating, but I don't think that's true anymore. Everybody is so busy, and picking up drunks at the bar usually doesn't work out well, so it makes sense to get to know somebody a little online before talking on the phone and then finally meeting.

There are no magic words to put in your ad (except maybe rich and famous), so be yourself, but make it interesting. Everybody likes to laugh, so make the headline for your ad funny, or choose a picture that is both flattering and funny, if possible. Talk about your favorite bands and restaurants, since dating often involves restaurants and live music. And talk about something you are passionate about, even if it is boardgames, only try to make it sound playful and fun. Even if the women don't share that particular interest, your passion for it may still catch their interest. Dating is hard these days, so try not to take it too personally for as long as possible. Dare to be different, but not bizarre.

On that first date, try not to talk too much about yourself, and ask a lot of questions without being too invasive. People usually like to talk about themselves, and you want information on that first date. Do it like a journalist and ask leading questions then follow-up questions. For example, ask her what she does for a living, then ask her what she enjoys about her job.

Some dating experts say that a first date can go especially well if you do something that feels a little dangerous, like riding a roller coaster or doing some rock climbing. This is playing with fire, because first dates are social minefields anyway, and too much other activity distracts from that very important face-to-face conversation. I took my current girlfriend to a punk rock show for our first date, and that almost a big mistake. Early on, she nearly got trampled, and towards the end, she mistakenly thought that the Misfits were doing racist chants. They were actually doing a cover of the Ramones song "The KKK Took My Baby Away" but all she heard was "KKK... KKK... KKK." After a couple of days of emailed apologies (including the full lyrics to that Ramones song), I managed to salvage things with dinner at a nice Italian place followed by a Tory Amos concert.

And don't tell her about your character!

Mr Skeletor wrote:

I was chatting to an old friend I hadn't seen in years at my old man's 60's, and he was telling me that he joined a dating site on the internet and was scoring plenty of pootang on it. So I thought I'd sign up too.

Problem is I can't be fucked writing the bullshit intro and profile. You guys always look bored, someone write me one.

From Amelie Gillete on the Onion's AV Club:

Suggested Personality-Filled Lines For Your Bland Dating Profile:

--"I'm looking for someone daring, exciting, bold. Someone who'll scare the shit out of me--preferably with a bat."

--"More about me: I chant. (If you want to find out what I chant, you'll have to message me!)"

--"You know that guy at the park, lounging on a blanket, casually strumming an acoustic guitar? That's me. Ha ha, just kidding. I'm nothing like that guy—though I do see him every Sunday when I go to the park to masturbate behind trees."

--"I'm just your average Jane. Well, your average Jane who is an extreme motocross champion. Intrigued?"

--"When I want to giggle, I think of dancing strawberries in tutus, or bananas with machine guns. If that makes me crazy, then put me in a tight-fitting straight jacket and lock me in a closet somewhere! (Please, please do this.)"

--"I'll hold your hand till it's all clammy and sweaty and we both want to let go but neither one of us will for a long while because letting go first is pretty awkward, but, honestly, not as awkward as I am."

--"I recently changed my name from 'Lauren' to 'Lawren.' That spelling is just much more we, ewe gno?"

--"Ever been to Paris? We could go tonight. FYI: Paris is located in my pants."

--"If you love the smell of maple syrup, romantic comedies, and mercilessly mocking public fountains for no real reason (God, those things are stupid, right?), don't hesitate to contact me!"


I make it a point to include one in all of my online profiles, and I have gotten laid exactly zero times. However, the one girl that does respond will be my soul-mate. We will live our lives together with an unheard of passion until I realize how emotionally damaged she actually is. (Who else would respond to a profile like that in a positive manner, anyway? Jesus, what was I thinking?).
In the meantime, though, the sex would have probably been like crazy uninhibited.

How bout:

"I'm a big wanker and I own a He-Man action figure collection."

Personally I use:

"I need to get laid...And I have cash" Its been very successful for me

Steve"John"Avery

Mr Skeletor wrote:

I was chatting to an old friend I hadn't seen in years at my old man's 60's, and he was telling me that he joined a dating site on the internet and was scoring plenty of pootang on it. So I thought I'd sign up too.

Problem is I can't be fucked writing the bullshit intro and profile. You guys always look bored, someone write me one.

Cut and paste this post, change "guys" to "gals" and you're all set.

My friends have been nagging at me to try this for a while. I'm personally not to jazzed about the concept of stranger-dates (but I have gotten old enough most of my friend's friends are married/taken/already dated...heh) They seem to take offense that a real live geek girl (not overweight) would not bother dating because it takes effort to troll the outside world for someone (who is not a smoker, not irritating, in shape, thinks books are cooler than tv, games..)

I have a friend who uses 'J-Date' (jewish dating service) which she shares all sorts of hilarious horrible-date tales from. Unlike her, I am not looking for a nice jewish boy specifically, but if I was, I certainly would avoid that site! Her stories make me wince alot. She's way more likely than I would ever be to say 'Right. This is not working out, have a good evening' than me, too. I would just suffer through and then vent later.

Not knowing much about you, I would say a) include a picture (I would never consider a date from an online site with a picture, shallow perhaps, but meh...) b)include your OTHER hobbies. You salsa dance, yes? and show some personality. Boring formula things 'I like movies, do you like movies?' or pity 'I am getting old, and want a person to share my path to decrepitude with' are bad. Include info on what you are looking for... if there is something you absolutely can't abide, or something you really like, say so.

Oh. and share the link here. We can give you feedback. (Nosy!)

I have a good friend who met her soon to be fiance through one of these sites. So not all psychos. Now we're trying to convince them to contact the company so they can get on a paid commercial or get their wedding sponsered or something. Hah!

How about:

"I am MR SKELETOR! and I command you to attend me this evening for drinks and a movie. You *will* succumb to my awesome power and make pleasant conversation with me.
You *will* serve me and exchange comical anedotes while we eat finger food and laugh at each others jokes. You *will* be my date and find me irresistably witty and charming. I need no remind you that you will be impressed by my AWESOME MIGHT and will invite me in after the date.

MR, Skeletor has spoken! Dial 999 LUV SKLY. Worship me as the god I am, and I'll be sure to remark favorably about your new shoes and outfit.


There ya go. Its all ready to cut and paste in..

Steve"LoveMachine"Avery

I was thinking along the lines of:

I'm an Aussie; I hate wankers!

--Mike L.

It obviously can work. One friend who just got married last month met his bride on match.com....another friend just ended a multi-year relationship that started on the same site. I agree that much of the stigma about online dating is basically gone.

No matter how much you refine your search criteria, you'll never be able to predict if there will be a spark or not. Some computer search tells you that on paper you're a great fit for someone, but they might have the personality of wet cardboard in real life. My wife and I agree that we never would have found each other using an online site and the common ways of searching for potential matches. Looking back it's funny how things worked out, because even the first time we met at a friend's dinner party we didn't hit it off at all! It just took the right circumstances at a subsequent gathering a month or so later.

On the more cynical side, there is a large volume of evidence to suggest that these sites can yield a hell of a lot of one-time/short-term action with no commitment, if that's what you're in the market for. I've read about people managing to get 4 or 5 hookups a week with some regularity.

Thaadd wrote:

My friends have been nagging at me to try this for a while. I'm personally not to jazzed about the concept of stranger-dates (but I have gotten old enough most of my friend's friends are married/taken/already dated...heh) They seem to take offense that a real live geek girl (not overweight) would not bother dating because it takes effort to troll the outside world for someone (who is not a smoker, not irritating, in shape, thinks books are cooler than tv, games..)

Why do I feel like Thaadd just threw a raw steak into a pool of hungry sharks?

Back to Skeletor fun:
About me:
I lack skin on my face, and consequently have the worst sinus problems. Pieces of dead leaves and other detritis constantly fill up these gaps, leading to infection.
I have a strange relationship with a effeminate "he-man" character involving "sword-envy".
I'm used to my minions grovelling at my feet. It will go easier for you if you accept this right away.
Also:
I am considered so abrasive and confrontational by people that barely know me, that I have been banned five(!) times from a leading board-gaming site (tm).

One way that we can all help is to use Craigslist ads as teaching aids. We can critique those for Skeletor's benefit without directly putting him under personal criticism.

For example, here's fun ad from The Best of Craigslist:

www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html

"Ibanker seeking romance

"Hello,

"ABOUT YOU:
You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different.

"ABOUT ME:
I am a first year analyst at a bulge-bracket investment bank; this means that I'm either Jewish, Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into banking based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry).

"I got into banking as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in Manhattan is a UES slut that reminds me of my mother.

"I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours.

"I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm a banker; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work in banking? I feel so bad for you. Fine, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the Dalton School (my Jewish/Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential.

"My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (posting personal ads on Craigslist at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER).

"If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys."

See, I like this ad, because even though it's long, it's also funny and fairly revealing. This is an intelligent guy, though possibly narcisstic and self-loathing in his mockery. He very possibly is as successful as he describes, because there is a lot of detail that sounds right. A smart and jaded woman will probably find him to be a kindred spirit.