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Carrying on one of TWBG’s most treasured traditions, I invite all registered community members to join us in Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2019, a celebration of holiday giving...especially the kind of unwanted, tacky kind of gifting that makes your holiday slightly awkward and possibly embarrassing. In past years, we have all had a good time pointing and laughing at "hilarious" gifts that F:ATties have given to each other like the Jessica Hahn issue of Playboy, The Hour of Power board game, Fucking Reef Encounter, an autographed picture of Goofy and...well, there was that infamous "Peanut Butter Drawers" incident a few years back that threatened to put the kibosh on future Secret Satans. We’ve been doing this for almost ten years, and if we aren’t going to pull the plug after the necklace of human teeth…well, there just isn’t a bottom.
Now, Secret Satan rules:
- You must be a ThereWillBe.Games member. You do not have to be a frequent poster. But we do require that you be a part of this community.
- There are no “wish lists”. You will not get what you want. Do not expect it. If you want to coerce a stranger into buying you a game, The Leading Board Games site offers a Secret Santa program. It’s like the saying goes – “you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit”.
- You must submit to COMP-U-TRON by December 11th. Send me a PM with your name, address, and whether or not you are willing to ship internationally. I can take non-US folks, but be aware that you may be the only F:ATtie in Slovakia. I will enter the information into COMP-U-TRON, which will spit out a punch card matching you up with another F:ATtie using a complex series of occult algorithms that analyse various metrics such as overall opinion of King Diamond, whether or not you own that old paperback Necronomicon, number of times you’ve laughed at an inappropriate joke about Jesus or a comparable religious figure, and ratio of Mountain Dew to haemoglobin in your bloodstream. Your credit rating will not be impacted. At least I don’t think it will. You will be matched up and provided with the name and address of another F:ATtie (the "target") and that is who you will send your Secret Satan "goods" to.
- You are expected to send at least ONE "legitimate" game. What that means is flexible. But in the past we've had folks sort of just throw in random thrift junk and it was neither funny nor cool. Be mindful that some folks are spending actual money, and if you completely cheap out and don't bother to put any thought into it then you wind up looking like a jerk. Nothing is funny about receiving a box of worthless junk and you don’t get the joke because the only joke was “gosh, this stuff is crap”.
- Other than the one "legitimate" game, it's free for all. Put anything you want in there, but again be mindful that some folks have kids/partners/family that may not appreciate the humor of things like Hustler magazine wrapping paper. We've seen all kinds of crazy stuff in the past, and the crazier the better. Some folks send multiple packages. Again, it's up to you. But do not be vile, vulgar, nasty, insulting, harassing, or disgusting. We’ve had some things toe the line and while that can be funny, don’t be the one that goes just that little bit too far. Any kind of hatefulness will meet with our zero tolerance policy, and you will be banned from the site.
- You MUST submit photos and descriptions of the contents of your package(s), box openings, whatever you want. We must have photographic evidence of receipt. NO EXCEPTIONS. COMP-U-TRON will deal with violators.
- Packages MUST arrive no later than Christmas Eve. It's lame when someone waits until after Christmas to send something. I get PMs from folks into January wondering where their package is, it all gets very uncomfortable. So mail early.
- Someone always gets screwed by someone. We've been pretty reasonable about handling that in the past- things happen- but if you may not be able to fulfil your Secret Satan responsibilities, then sit this one out, OK? This year we will be publically shaming anyone that fails to provide a package to their target.
- As is tradition, we will have forum threads for discussion, a Secret Satan sock puppet account so you can message anonymously, and of course a thread for results (i.e. photos, which you MUST submit).
This is intended to be FUN and RIDICULOUS- so do not expect to get the game of your dreams in the mail, do not expect to get $X worth of trade value out of what you get. In fact, expect that most of what you will get will wind up at Goodwill or in recycling. Or in a fire. If you DO get something good...then remember that for next year, because you got lucky! Hurt feelings and angriness are NOT allowed, so come at this with a spirit of good times and laughs and we'll all enjoy it. In a very Satanic fashion, of course.
