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Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG Secret Satan 2019

MB Updated
Michael Barnes Proudly Presents TWBG Secret Satan 2019
There Will Be Games

Join us, won't you? 

Carrying on one of TWBG’s most treasured traditions, I invite all registered community members to join us in Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2019,  a celebration of holiday giving...especially the kind of unwanted, tacky kind of gifting that makes your holiday slightly awkward and possibly embarrassing. In past years, we have all had a good time pointing and laughing at "hilarious" gifts that F:ATties have given to each other like the Jessica Hahn issue of Playboy, The Hour of Power board game, Fucking Reef Encounter, an autographed picture of Goofy and...well, there was that infamous "Peanut Butter Drawers" incident a few years back that threatened to put the kibosh on future Secret Satans. We’ve been doing this for almost ten years, and if we aren’t going to pull the plug after the necklace of human teeth…well, there just isn’t a bottom.

Now, Secret Satan rules:

- You must be a ThereWillBe.Games member. You do not have to be a frequent poster. But we do require that you be a part of this community.

- There are no “wish lists”. You will not get what you want. Do not expect it. If you want to coerce a stranger into buying you a game, The Leading Board Games site offers a Secret Santa program. It’s like the saying goes – “you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit”.

- You must submit to COMP-U-TRON by December 11th. Send me a PM with your name, address, and whether or not you are willing to ship internationally. I can take non-US folks, but be aware that you may be the only F:ATtie in Slovakia. I will enter the information into COMP-U-TRON, which will spit out a punch card  matching you up with another F:ATtie using a complex series of occult algorithms that analyse various metrics such as overall opinion of King Diamond, whether or not you own that old paperback Necronomicon, number of times you’ve laughed at an inappropriate joke about Jesus or a comparable religious figure, and ratio of Mountain Dew to haemoglobin in your bloodstream. Your credit rating will not be impacted. At least I don’t think it will. You will be matched up and provided with the name and address of another F:ATtie (the "target") and that is who you will send your Secret Satan "goods" to.

- You are expected to send at least ONE "legitimate" game. What that means is flexible. But in the past we've had folks sort of just throw in random thrift junk and it was neither funny nor cool. Be mindful that some folks are spending actual money, and if you completely cheap out and don't bother to put any thought into it then you wind up looking like a jerk. Nothing is funny about receiving a box of worthless junk and you don’t get the joke because the only joke was “gosh, this stuff is crap”.

- Other than the one "legitimate" game, it's free for all. Put anything you want in there, but again be mindful that some folks have kids/partners/family that may not appreciate the humor of things like Hustler magazine wrapping paper. We've seen all kinds of crazy stuff in the past, and the crazier the better. Some folks send multiple packages. Again, it's up to you. But do not be vile, vulgar, nasty, insulting, harassing, or disgusting. We’ve had some things toe the line and while that can be funny, don’t be the one that goes just that little bit too far. Any kind of hatefulness will meet with our zero tolerance policy, and you will be banned from the site.

- You MUST submit photos and descriptions of the contents of your package(s), box openings, whatever you want. We must have photographic evidence of receipt. NO EXCEPTIONS. COMP-U-TRON will deal with violators.

- Packages MUST arrive no later than Christmas Eve. It's lame when someone waits until after Christmas to send something. I get PMs from folks into January wondering where their package is, it all gets very uncomfortable. So mail early.

- Someone always gets screwed by someone. We've been pretty reasonable about handling that in the past- things happen- but if you may not be able to fulfil your Secret Satan responsibilities, then sit this one out, OK? This year we will be publically shaming anyone that fails to provide a package to their target.

- As is tradition, we will have forum threads for discussion, a Secret Satan sock puppet account so you can message anonymously, and of course a thread for results (i.e. photos, which you MUST submit).

This is intended to be FUN and RIDICULOUS- so do not expect to get the game of your dreams in the mail, do not expect to get $X worth of trade value out of what you get. In fact, expect that most of what you will get will wind up at Goodwill or in recycling. Or in a fire. If you DO get something good...then remember that for next year, because you got lucky! Hurt feelings and angriness are NOT allowed, so come at this with a spirit of good times and laughs and we'll all enjoy it. In a very Satanic fashion, of course.

There Will Be Games
Michael Barnes (He/Him)
Senior Board Game Reviews Editor

Sometime in the early 1980s, MichaelBarnes’ parents thought it would be a good idea to buy him a board game to keep him busy with some friends during one of those high-pressure, “free” timeshare vacations. It turned out to be a terrible idea, because the game was TSR’s Dungeon! - and the rest, as they say, is history. Michael has been involved with writing professionally about games since 2002, when he busked for store credit writing for Boulder Games’ newsletter. He has written for a number of international hobby gaming periodicals and popular Web sites. From 2004-2008, he was the co-owner of Atlanta Game Factory, a brick-and-mortar retail store. He is currently the co-founder of FortressAT.com and Nohighscores.com as well as the Editor-in-Chief of Miniature Market’s Review Corner feature. He is married with two childen and when he’s not playing some kind of game he enjoys stockpiling trivial information about music, comics and film.

Articles by Michael

Michael Barnes
Senior Board Game Reviews Editor

Articles by Michael

Log in to comment

Space Ghost's Avatar
Space Ghost replied the topic: #304589 26 Nov 2019 22:14
I’m in, naturally.

Oddly, strange update. Emeritus professor across the hall just got the boot from his office — he had my package from last year and I got it today. I’ll open and post pictures soonish
Sagrilarus's Avatar
Sagrilarus replied the topic: #304590 26 Nov 2019 22:17
Wait, what? There's a secret satan package from last year still unopen? Dude, safety first. Suit up for that one!

I'll only sign up if you post that entire comic. The one that someone rewrote for comedy that ran here years back.
ubarose's Avatar
ubarose replied the topic: #304593 27 Nov 2019 01:26
Here you go Sag

Dank Basements
Vysetron's Avatar
Vysetron replied the topic: #304596 27 Nov 2019 06:21

ubarose wrote: Here you go Sag

Dank Basements


This is the best thing I'll see today.
Sagrilarus's Avatar
Sagrilarus replied the topic: #304597 27 Nov 2019 07:07

ubarose wrote: Here you go Sag

Dank Basements


I've been trying to find that for years ma'am. A thousand thank-yous.

S.
ubarose's Avatar
ubarose replied the topic: #304599 27 Nov 2019 08:16
Add it to your favorites (the little heart button below the title) and it will be easier to find in the future.
the_jake_1973's Avatar
the_jake_1973 replied the topic: #304600 27 Nov 2019 08:21
I'm in again. I've no chain of teeth to give, but I'll do my best.
Rliyen's Avatar
Rliyen replied the topic: #304603 27 Nov 2019 10:49
Of course, add me. I ALWAYS look forward to this every year.

And, like last year, I will ship internationally.
jur's Avatar
jur replied the topic: #304606 27 Nov 2019 11:48
Yes! Yes! Yes! Me! Me! Me!

Somebody is going to pay for all the hurting!
lj1983's Avatar
lj1983 replied the topic: #304607 27 Nov 2019 13:04
I think I bowed out last year, but in this time.
Gregarius's Avatar
Gregarius replied the topic: #304614 27 Nov 2019 14:27
I'm in.
Secret Satan's Avatar
Secret Satan replied the topic: #304615 27 Nov 2019 14:58
AND MY AXE!
Michael Barnes's Avatar
Michael Barnes replied the topic: #304630 27 Nov 2019 16:57
IMPORTANT- someone asked me if it is possible to participate and ONLY exchange noncorporeal gifts. I.E. PDF books from Drive Thru RPG and similar sources. I think this is totally fine and in fact for me it would be desirable.

If you only want to send/receive noncorporeal gifts, please state so on your submission. This is especially useful I think for our international participants.
san il defanso's Avatar
san il defanso replied the topic: #304631 27 Nov 2019 17:01
I'm in to receive abstract evil.
WadeMonnig's Avatar
WadeMonnig replied the topic: #304634 27 Nov 2019 19:58
Where do all the review copies of Board Games that are awful go? Let's ask Satan!
I'm in and I'm sure someone is going to regret it.
RobertB's Avatar
RobertB replied the topic: #304675 30 Nov 2019 10:26
I thought that comic panel was out of something like Get Your War On , but it turned out it was REAL!!! That mind bondage spell explains the D&D minis I just bought, I guess. And I do have a little bit of a crush on that DM, except when she gets really pissed off.

Anyway, count me in.
Sagrilarus's Avatar
Sagrilarus replied the topic: #304676 30 Nov 2019 16:27
I want someone in England so I can send them a fire extinguisher and a 5 foot narwhal tusk.
jeb's Avatar
jeb replied the topic: #304700 02 Dec 2019 11:42
I'm in. God help you.